National Ledger, describes Cyrus's methods for finding a new boyfriend. Apparently, she cruises IMDB for likely candidates
and will, presumably, pick whichever one she likes the most, utilize his services for reproduction, bite off his head and lay her eggs in his rotting carcass, (thanks, Animal Planet!
). While I fully support the decision to look for a significant other over the internet, I've got to say, Hannah, you're on the wrong
website. What kind of guys are you gonna find on IMDB? A bunch of whiny, pampered, delusional celebrities whose personalities have been completely destroyed by the Hollywood machine, that's what kind. Do you
think you're gonna find a good guy on IMDB? Who? Burt Reynolds? Clint Howard? Walter Mathau? He's not even alive, Montana.
No, if you want to find a good man, you should look no further than Cracked-Mother-Fucking-dot-com. You want a guy who's funny, smart, articulate, and has a functioning internet connection: in short, the Cracked Blog Commenters.
Me? Oh, that's flattering, Hannah, you raging bitch, it truly is. I'd gladly throw my expensive hat in the ring, but, you see, you're fifteen years old, so all I see when I look at you is a ziplock bag full of cold animal fat in a t-shirt. Circumstances different, I'd be glad to swing by your mansion in my 97 Nissan Sentra, take you out for a night on the town filled with dining, dancing, and perhaps some light boning, but I'm just far too old and morally responsible to see you as anything other than a rotting pile of shit with an enormous mouth.