So by the time you're reading this, you may very well have been playing the just-released Grand Theft Auto IV for 8 straight hours, and in that time, formed some pretty firm opinions on the game to go along with the magnificent odor you've also probably developed. Sadly I can't count myself amongst your number, as having both a job and a girlfriend, I have certain non-optional sleep and odor-maintenance regimes. Consequently I haven't played a bit of the game, so were I actually to attempt a review here, I'd be making a mockery of the journalistic standards that Cracked magazine has long stood for.
Instead, I'm going to recap some of the absolute favorite things I enjoyed about the past GTA games, which should be a good way for me to fill out a blog post, and also not get too stinky.
My Favorite Things about Grand Theft Auto:
. In some cars like the taxi or police car, these are so easy to do, it's delicious. I think I pulled one of these accidentally about 5 minutes into the original GTA III. As I recall, after my eyes resocketed themselves, I stood up and exclaimed "Holy Crap, I'm awesome!" It's such a small thing, but making the player feel like the Golden God of All Things On Wheels is one thing that makes this series so great.
Creating a whole logjam of cars and then blowing them up in a chain reaction.
Once you realized that multiple gunshots could destroy cars, tell me within minutes you weren't piling up cars in an intersection like a lunatic valet?
This one time in Vigilante mode.
This mode seemed kind of lame at first - mostly just chasing crooks down, smacking their rear quarter panel and shooting the hell out of them with an uzi. But there was one criminal who I couldn't pin down at all, and as the clock was running out, in an act of desperation I slammed him off the side of a bridge and into the ocean. One of my favorite gaming moments ever, and it hopefully sent a message to everyone else in Liberty City who had four outstanding parking tickets: there was a new sheriff in town.