Whether you love President Trump or despise every hair plug on his bronzer-caked scalp, you can at least admit that following the actions of his administration is taxing. We have entered an age of exhaustion, and every day seems like we're just one "alt-fact" tweet away from slipping into a stress-induced coma.
It makes me feel like ... GAHHHHHHH!
Well-said, you. And we feel same. That's why the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store are busting out products designed to give you a little R&R. So take a break from angry Facebook rants and breaking news alerts, if only for a moment, and treat yourself to some self-care. Lord knows you need it.
Carrie Bear is an obvious choice for self-care, what with "Care" being right in the name and Carrie committing the ultimate act of self-care by destroying all of her enemies in the span of about eight minutes. Take this tote bag and use it to carry whatever it is that makes you happy. And if using it as a bludgeon against your foes is your definition of self-care, well then so be it.
Bender knows how to treat himself right. Follow his example and hang up this picture to remind yourself that anyone who gets in the way of your happiness should bite your shiny metal behind.
Self-care is about balance. Good and evil. Yin and Yang. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Going to the gym and then eating vanilla wafers until your family begs you to please just come back home. Wear this T-shirt, and remember that even a gung-ho American like G.I. Joe benefited from seeing both sides of an issue. And you can, too.
I guess I could take a breather.
The important thing is that you treat yo' self. Luckily for you, we've compiled the very best feel-good items from the Cracked Store. So snuggle up and enjoy, because the pampering has only just begun.
The best thing to do if you're overwhelmed is to find a change of scenery. Book a getaway. It doesn't matter where. Just book it, pack your stuff into the 1Voice Weekender Garment Bag, and go. Don't worry about what you need to bring or what it will carry. Your blue whale memorabilia and every Pokemon card that you collected in 1999 are fine. Trust us, this bag has so much excess space, you'd think it was designed by Acme.
Bulky wallets are stressful, what with all their pockets and flaps. Who needs pockets and flaps? Certainly not you, you magnificent flapless hero! The Bogui Clik cuts the crap and holds everything you need in a convenient clip. Now it won't look like there's a stack of paperback novels under your left butt cheek every time you sit down.
Be stylish and bold with this Paracord bracelet. Any time you see something that makes your inner self boil over with rage, just give the bracelet a tug to snap yourself out of it. Don't worry about breaking it; it's made from the same rope soldiers use to suspend lines of parachutes, which is slightly stronger than the bands you used to flick at other kids in pre-algebra.
The hit FRESHeBUDS earbuds are back with the new Pro model. This version is even more water- and sweat-resistant, meaning if self-care for you is going on a blistering run through a series of waterfalls, these ear buds are able to handle it. That said, unless you live in a James Cameron movie, we don't imagine you'll encounter a series of waterfalls any time soon.
Nothing takes stress and kicks it in the face like listening to music. These Urban Vinyl headphones are handcrafted from wood and packed with studio-quality noise isolation speakers. Basically, they're designed for getting you lost in music. Just keep these guys away from termites, and you should be stress-free for the rest of your days.
To get a good night's sleep, it's not enough to just lie on a flat surface and close your eyes like a cyborg in stasis. You're a human being, dammit! The Nomad Bed is engineered with advanced memory foam designed to conform to your body to relieve pressure points and align your spine. What we're saying is, if you want to stop sleeping directly on the group of bones in your back that keeps you upright, you're going to want to get this bed.
Forget treating yourself like a queen. You're better than a queen. You're a khaleesi. Fortunately for you, we have a watch fit for a khaleesi. The Reign Targaryen, named after the mother of dragons herself, possesses the power to help you conquer the Seven Kingdoms. Failing that, it'll at least impress that hot date you have coming up.
The Pax 3 vaporizer features medical-grade materials and delivers strong, pure vapor with near-instantaneous heat-ups. Take a few puffs from this bad boy and watch your troubles go up in vapor. (See what we did there? Not smoke. Vapor. Your troubles went up in vapor. Okay, we'll see ourselves out.)
It's "me" time.
Like we said, you deserve it. If anything on this list sparks joy for you, then click the links in the product description, and it'll bring you right to their product page. If you want to check out more from the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store, then just click the links here. Now take a few deep breaths and relax. You can save all the bullshit for tomorrow.
Plenty of everyday things have weird connections to the Nazis.
The thing about plot twists is that they almost never make sense on repeat viewing.
Sometimes the silliest goofballs get away with the vilest things.