Call Me When You've Got HoloSlaloms

It's Winter, and if you're a troubled inner city vagrant, then that means it's time to start wrapping your droppings in cheesecloth for warmth. But if you're the exact opposite of that, it means SKI SEASON! And 2007 is no ordinary ski season: at Heavenly Ski Resort in California, the future of sliding down frozen water on wooden planks has arrived. The resort is installing California's first-ever, and America's longest, zip-line ride. The line will shoot skiers 3,100 feet down the mountain they just spent an hour getting to the top of in a matter of seconds. Besides highlighting the futility of skiing, the zip-line will also treat you to a gorgeous view of the trees as they whip past, pointy limbs eagerly reaching for a stray limb to impale. Not into hurtling down things? Then you shouldn’t be skiing. But if you insist on visiting Heavenly resort and falling on your ass in the snow until your tail bone is numb, you might as well get it on tape. The resort is looking forward to one day soon offering “omnipresent video technology.” Cameras cleverly disguised throughout the park will film your runs and you’ll be able to view the tapes while you’re downing cocoa at the lodge. That way, for a nominal fee, your friends can have a lasting souvenir of the time you shit yourself on the zip-line ride and sprayed down the Snowbunny Ski Skool kids. To polish off the trifecta of ski resort innovation, Heavenly plans to release large-print versions of their maps for the elderly who may have fuzzy eyesight. Now even blind-as-a-bat Grandma can find her way to the zip-line! See? It all goes back to the zip-line.
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