They run operations meant to confuse and startle, like coordinating several dozen fake Twitter accounts to post about a chemical plant explosion that didn't exist, but that certainly scared a few people in the county where the chemical fire was supposedly raging. They create weird online characters like the fortune teller named Cantadora who divines weight loss tips, relationship advice, and political prognostications. Slipping creepy messages into our news isn't going to make us miss our old relationship with Russia. In typical stalker fashion they've convinced themselves that weird and annoying reminders they exist will eventually bring us around. It's a wonder they haven't resorted to sending us flowers with threats to dissolve the Russian Federation if we don't call them back.
They Want Everything To Go Back To How It Was
Russia's erratic and illogical behavior is aimed at just one thing: reviving their old relationship with us. Putin, talking like a melodramatic teenager, called the breakup of the Soviet Union "the greatest geopolitical tragedy of the 20th century." In the documentary The President, he mentions that he wants to go back to the days of just the two of us jointly deciding the affairs of the world. He's on the verge of showing up on our lawn holding a boombox over his head blasting the theme to James Bond.
To get ready, he's been getting Russia back into shape, bulking up with invasions of Georgia and Ukraine. They're getting new ships and flexing their military muscles in the Black Sea. And, to be honest, it's working. Russia is looking as villainous as they ever have.
We should have suspected something when they named all the ships after Ivan Drago.
They're even willing to try out three-way hostilities, offering to tag-team ISIS. They know we couldn't turn down the prospect of the two of us hammering our new nemesis together. Of course, that hasn't turned out exactly as planned and they've snuck some extra cluster bombs where they're not supposed to go.
We know that Russia is toxic. Not only in the literal sense that it contains Lake Karachay -- the most polluted place on Earth, where an hour on the beach could kill you -- but also in the metaphorical sense. We've got to cut them out of our lives. Then again, it's probably true that no one will ever hate us like Russia does.
Aaron Kheifets is an occasionally mustachioed comedian, writer, and director. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter.
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