Trump News: What You Read On Social Media Vs. The Truth

This week was one of the busiest of Donald Trump's life. And, tragically, that means it was also a week full of stuff you need to know about. All anyone's talking about is the how Trump might have once paid ladies to pee on stuff in front of him. But so much else has happened that doesn't involve urine or prostitution at all.

We've collected and summarized all that stuff below, so you can stay informed and have more time to think of better "golden shower" puns.

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What We Should Be Talking About: Trump's Press Conference

Trump's first press conference as president is best described as an hour-long maelstrom of confusing claims, contradictions, and speaking in the third person. His glib catchphrases may be shiny and distracting, but they veil a much more disturbing trend of gaslighting. He makes us constantly question reality until we don't know what's real anymore. On the bright side, that means your date with Jennifer Lawrence totally happened.

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Trump starts setting his reality distortion field with the media. First, he says press conferences were responsible for getting him the Republican nomination. Then he claims he stopped giving press conferences due to "inaccurate news," while complimenting news groups who "came out strongly against that fake news." Later in the conference, he calls CNN "fake news," and sarcastically says the BBC is "another beauty." All of this sends a tangled but clear message: The news is only valid if it is nice to me.

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Then Trump takes questions. And hold onto your butts, folks, because this is a 8,900 rpm spinning, screaming fustercluck. Did Russia hack us? Yes, Trump says, but it's no big deal because other countries do it too (he later backpedaled, saying maybe someone else did the DNC hacking). He also claimed the DNC "was totally open to be hacked," and also it's secretly good if Russia tried to manipulate our election, because as Trump said, "Well, if- if Putin likes Donald Trump, I consider that an asset, not a liability."

Spencer Platt/Getty Images
"And if he like-likes me, even better." *swoon*

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Boldly, he tries to redefine what's happening inside our heads, claiming that the only people who care about his tax returns are "reporters." Polls show this is patently false, but "false" is just four letters away from "true." In response to the question, "You don't think the American public is concerned about it?" he responds, "No I don't think so. I won when I became president." Let this sink in for a minute: By being voted president, he's saying he won the right to ignore calls for transparency. His winning means he gets to determine what the country wants and thinks. The next president of the United States is putting Lifetime movie villains to shame, gaslighting not one woman but an entire country.

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What Social Media Is Talking About:

The Huffington Post/Twitter

"You're fired!" Ha ha, classic Trump! Screw Schwarzenegger and his "terminated" BS; the Donald still has it. He ended his press conference with a hilarious threat to fire his kids at the end of his term if they buttfuck his business. The internet needs some ice packs, because our knees have been slapped red.

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What We Should Be Talking About: BuzzFeed's Unverified Documents

By this point, everyone with internet access or near someone with a loud voice knows that BuzzFeed just dropped an unconfirmed, anonymous intelligence report which alleges that Russia has tapes of President-elect Trump paying hookers to pee on a bed the Obamas once slept in. Just typing that sentence fucking exhausted me, but it's actually the least important thing about the 25-page document, which is riddled with implications. If it's true:

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- The Russian government deliberately incited and encouraged the Bernie-loving American left to protest-vote revolt against Clinton.

- Vladimir Putin has taken extreme personal glee in being able to tear the United States apart with fake news on social media as revenge for the sanctions the Obama Administration placed on him for invading Ukraine.

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- Apparently, even Putin thought Trump was going to lose.

Meanwhile, if this entire document is a big, steaming pile of horseshit, the reality is almost more horrifying.

It alleges that the Trump campaign promised to basically throw Ukraine, and our commitments to protect Eastern Europe from Russia, under the bus in exchange for John Podesta's sweet, sweet emails.

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Trump, um, did everything outlined in that paragraph. Every bit of it. This isn't evidence in favor of the document being real -- Trump questioned the need for NATO back in March -- but it does mean that, if the document's fake, screwing over our allies and siding with Putin is just Trump's natural preference. That's way scarier than a sinister conspiracy theory.

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Also scary? People are using the fact that the president and president-elect were both briefed on this document as evidence that it's legitimate. As this Washington Post article points out, the CIA felt the need to include this in the presidential briefings because everyone was talking about it. Which means you can elevate a bullshit story to the president's official ear if you spread it around enough.

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What Social Media Is Talking About:

Holy shit, you guys, we have so many good pee jokes to make.

Twitter
So many, you guys

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What We Should Be Talking About: Confirmation Hearings

One of the most fascinating parts of the confirmation hearings so far is finding the points where the potential Cabinet members' personal beliefs break from those of their boss.

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Trump's hate for the Trans-Pacific Partnership was a cornerstone of his campaign. His pick for secretary of State, Rex Tillerson, actually kind of likes the deal. And he thinks Russia is dangerous and that the U.S. should have given Ukraine weapons to defend themselves from Russian forces -- both of which also break away from Trump's doctrine.

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Trump wants to ban Muslims from entering the United States, but potential Attorney General Jeff Sessions flat-out rejects the idea.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images
"I have too many other groups to discriminate against first. One at a time, I always say."

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Trump believes we should be waterboarding terror suspects, despite the fact that it's a war crime and that torture doesn't work. His pick for the head of Homeland Security is opposed to waterboarding and all other forms of torture.

Are Trump's fringe ideals genuine, or a show he puts on for his cult of supporters? Because if there's one thing Trump is genuinely good at (which would make it the only thing he's good at), it's tailoring his message to whomever he's delivering it to. He gives you what you want to hear, not what you should hear or deserve to hear. We should be talking about whether this is specific to Trump, or if this is going to be a philosophy applied to his entire administration.

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What Social Media Is Talking About:

Rex Tillerson said he wasn't a friend of Russia, and immediately someone found this picture:

Rob Flaherty/Twitter

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What We Should Be Talking About: The Vote On The ACA

Wednesday night, the Senate voted on a mind-numbing series of budget resolutions, many of them setting the stage for a repeal of the Affordable Care Act. Even though budget resolutions are less binding than a Jainist at a BDSM party, they are nevertheless important. The GOP laid out the blueprint for the rollback of Obamacare, even though they have no plan to replace it.

NBC News/Twitter
#PizzaGate

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The original strategy of repealing the ACA and then delaying any replacement until all poor people are dead has come under fire from none other than DJ Trump himself. That's left some Republicans pushing for an extension on presenting their replacement plan, which we've been promised will be better and cheaper and leave "no one worse off." It will be interesting to see how they pull all that off, and will raise questions about why we didn't simply do that universally superior thing in the first place. Perhaps it will involve some kind of ritual sacrifice?

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We all sincerely hope that we do get an unquestionably better system than Obamacare. Who wouldn't want that? But for now, it seems like the Republicans campaigning for its repeal are like dogs who caught the car they were chasing. It'll be interesting to see what they do with it.

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It's a plan that's always productive.

Whenever they get around to it, we should be sure to hold them to the promises they are making now. Otherwise, tens of millions of Americans will wake up one morning with no health insurance beyond "Swallow this bullshit and call me in the morning."

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What Social Media Is Talking About:

The only thing anyone cares about on social media is this poor schlub who didn't know Obamacare and ACA were the same thing and smugly laughed about he and his ACA coverage will survive just fine. Is this a real post or a fake? No one knows, and no one cares, because reality and fantasy are equals!

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