Listen up, Hollywood Producers: your writers are striking, your comic book movies are tanking, and your minds are so disconnected from reality you wouldn't know a good movie idea if it blogged up and bit you on the ass. So heed my words: MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT THIS GUY. While Spider-Man was busy undergoing intense self-reflection, Batman was failing to let go of any goddamned bad thing that ever happened to him, and Superman was being charmingly aloof, this guy was saving an orphan from dying in the desert. The kicker? He was an illegal immigrant attempting to cross the border! Jesus Cordova left his homeland and braved the merciless desert in order to earn money to send back to his family, came upon a 9-year-old boy who’d been involved in a car wreck, and rather than fleeing north as he’d planned, John McClaned it, gruffly muttered “I’m getting too old for this” (in Spanish, one assumes) and proceeded to keep the kid company and give him his f*****g jacket until Border Patrol arrived to save the boy and deport his ass back to Mexico. The movie’s basically done: you’ve got your selfless heroism, your innocent victim, and your tragic downfall. All you need to add is the uplifting finale where Cordova strides across the U.S.-Mexico border, each Patrol officer stepping aside in quiet respect. Also, if this does get made into a movie (preferably starring Javier Bardem and Dakota Fanning), I get royalties. I called it.

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