For God's Sake, Let Him Come Pick Strawberries Already

Listen up, Hollywood Producers: your writers are striking, your comic book movies are tanking, and your minds are so disconnected from reality you wouldn't know a good movie idea if it blogged up and bit you on the ass. So heed my words: MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT THIS GUY. While Spider-Man was busy undergoing intense self-reflection, Batman was failing to let go of any goddamned bad thing that ever happened to him, and Superman was being charmingly aloof, this guy was
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

saving an orphan from dying in the desert. The kicker? He was an illegal immigrant attempting to cross the border! Jesus Cordova left his homeland and braved the merciless desert in order to earn money to send back to his family, came upon a 9-year-old boy who’d been involved in a car wreck, and rather than fleeing north as he’d planned, John McClaned it, gruffly muttered “I’m getting too old for this” (in Spanish, one assumes) and proceeded to keep the kid company and
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

give him his f*****g jacket until Border Patrol arrived to save the boy and deport his ass back to Mexico. The movie’s basically done: you’ve got your selfless heroism, your innocent victim, and your tragic downfall. All you need to add is the uplifting finale where Cordova strides across the U.S.-Mexico border, each Patrol officer stepping aside in quiet respect. Also, if this does get made into a movie (preferably starring Javier Bardem and Dakota Fanning), I get royalties. I called it.
To turn on reply notifications, click here

18 Comments

Load Comments

More Blogs

12 Weird Changes The Government Asked Famous Movies to Make

Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.

126

5 Apocalypse Scenarios You Should Stop Worrying About

Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.

182

11 Everyday Gadgets That Just Wouldn't Die

Nothing lasts forever ... except these things.

95

The 5 Worst Changes The MCU Made To The Source Material

In some cases, the Marvel source material just did better.

163

5 Horror Movie Characters Who Deserve More Credit

These characters are amazing with or without ample amounts of screen time.

52

5 Mobile App Scams That Just Keep Getting Worse

Google's algorithms know us better than we know ourselves.

86