's Spock, and see his series of egg photographs. There, you'll discover that Leonard Nimoy's idea of a photo of an egg is a picture of a naked lady holding an egg. Now... how does something like that happen?
The Enterprise's omelette replicator got a wire crossed with the Holodeck's adult room.
Leonard Nimoy's assistant can't read his handwriting.
He's trying to bring sexiness back to Silly Putty.
It was a casual Friday at the poultry farm.
Touchy Subject? Change the Context.
For this example, I'll use something we can all agree on: women without shirts. As you know, after a certain time of night, every commercial on TV is about drunk girls showing their tits. I don't get why. It's reassuring to know that they're out there doing that, but what the fuck am I going to do with a DVD set of it? Like I have the time and imagination to force a jerk-off out of partial nudity. Sure, I remember the days of sitting through three straight Shannon Tweed movies with a hard-on on deck and frantically trying to get something done with a precious second of side boob. But that was when I was 13, and before I learned of the dangers of erections lasting longer than four hours.
When you're a kid you have to treat pornography like you treat a Nintendo game. As unforgiving or terrible as it might be, you and your hands will keep fighting to the end because you have nothing better to do and you can't go buy a new one.
Now that I've grown up, I don't have to spend weeks earning my doctorate in Battletoads
so I can see how their Battletoad story turns out. And I don't have to create elaborate situations in my head to keep a page of Sears bra models fresh. I can buy the novelization of
and look at pornography that wasn't reverse engineered from a support hose ad. I don't want this Girls Gone Wild
garbage. That's barely better than the two porn choices I grew up with: simulating sex with Baroness and Trapjaw or none.
I think it's important to make it clear that I'm not putting Girls Gone Wild
into the context of a teenager scrounging for pornography to create a satire about the immaturity of our society. It's pretty obvious that the reason these almost-porn videos are so popular is because we all grew up in a country with Quaker rules imposing on our natural urge to put our genitals together. But that's shit for you to work out for yourself, America. I don't hate
Girls Gone Wild
because of some faggy symbolism. I hate it because it reminds of a time in my life when being alone in the house meant I would consider putting my dick in the peanut butter jar. Looking back, I probably would have if I wasn't certain my brother was clever enough to think of the same thing.
So in order to work through my own personal demons with half-assed adult entertainment, I created a way to make