As you may have heard, it was announced recently that Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell will star as Sherlock Holmes and Watson in Judd Apatow's zany Sherlock Holmes comedy due out later next year. Even more recently, it was announced that Robert Downey Jr. will be starring in a second, competing Sherlock Holmes set for a 2009 release. Guy Ritchie will be directing this Sherlock Holmes, so it should be fast-paced, gritty and completely unintelligible like most of Ritchie's movies, or totally shitty, like his other ones.
Since Hollywood is a jealous, insecure, impulsive bitch, five additional Sherlock Holmes movies were announced, cast and shot within 24 hours of the announcement of Ritchie's Holmes. Yep. Worrying that Apatow and Ritchie knew something that they didn't, (how could they possibly?) five of the industry's most talented directors slapped together their own Sherlock Holmeses and, because I love you, I went out and watched every single one of these movies and my reviews are included below.
Martin Scorsese's Sherlock Holmes
At least one Rolling Stones song, guaranteed.
Spike Lee's Sherlock, Homez!
Denzel Washington stars as Sherlock, (no last name given), in this gritty, racially-charged adaptation (?) of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's classic novels. Set in 1970's Harlem, Spike Lee spends almost three hours reminding the world that white people and black people are very different. No mysteries are presented or solved.
Guillermo Del Toro's Sherlock Holmes and his Horrifying Gang of Mutants
We think the fish-monster with a pipe for a face is supposed to be Sherlock. Visually stunning, but who knows what the fuck is going on.
Tim Burton's Sherlock Holmes
The only film on the list that is actually set in London, (probably just a coincidence), Burton's Sherlock Holmes follows the eccentric and unconventional detective, (Depp), and his loyal assistant Watson, (Depp), as they try to track down a quirky and eccentric master thief in a funny wig (Depp). Terrifying music by Danny Elfman. Helena Bonham Carter is also probably in it, (Depp).
Surecock Holmes [Adult]
A brilliant detective and his young, enthusiastic assistant Hotson wander around and attempt to solve a delicious mystery the old fashioned way, (delivering pizza and performing the reverse cowgirl on large-breasted, sexually-unfulfilled stay-at-home Moms). The pair of detectives have some questionable methods of investigation, (when their chief suspect refuses to cooperate, they double-team her in a shower and leave, despite the fact that they didn't obtain any new information), but when there's not boning on screen,
Forget 'morale-boosters,' we'd rather have the money.
Trends among women trigger a level of contempt that's way beyond what is deserved.
Buckle up. This article is gonna be wild.