impossibly fertile women
, illiterate golden goblins,
and glorified strippers
. People with no redeemable qualities or objective value were given the highest honor America has to bestow, (celebrity status), and somewhat disastrously, more and more people wanted to join them.
Once one person got famous for doing nothing, everybody
wanted in. Real World
begat Road Rules
begat Laguna Beach
begat The Hills
begat The City
begat The Real Housewives Ofâ¦
begat Jersey Shore
and so on. If my predictions are accurate, MTV will debut a show in early 2010 that just centers around one of the New Kids on the Block trying to f**k a monkey, and it will
destroy the ratings.
It's bad for culture, society and the economy when everyone
tries to be a celebrity, and Nature knows this. Just as the ratio of normal people to celebrities was about to shift in favor of the celebrities, Nature decided to strike back and straight murder a shitload of celebrities in no discernible pattern. Nature didn't murder the weakest, or the biggest, or the brightest or the fattest, she just murdered a ton of unrelated celebrities. Nature couldn't even give a s**t,
she just wanted to send a message. That message? Stop making celebrities out of brainless, self-important s**t sacks.
This will happen every so often. If you, people of the future, start to get delusional senses of entitlement, and if your children start thinking "Hey,
like to be a space celebrity some day, because what I
have to say is important,
" then don't be surprised if all of your celebrities start eating it early in a big, big way.
Your Current Lack of President
I'm not telling you anything surprising when I say "You don't have a president or any governing body whatsoever." That's our bad. Or, maybe not our
bad, but certainly someone's
bad, we just ended up saddled with the blame. See, in 2009, between unemployment reaching new and terrifying heights and the economy being, as economist Paul Krugman put it, "waist-deep in s**t sandwiches," something needed to happen in America. Something big. Instead, nothing happened. It marked the first time in history that a US President quit when former President Barack Obama scrawled "f**k it, it's too much" on the wall of the Oval Office and simply walked off. He couldnât fix everything, so he decided to compromise by fixing nothing and leaving office in late 2009. Honestly, though, no one's mad at him. He certainly