impossibly fertile women
, illiterate golden goblins,
and glorified strippers
. People with no redeemable qualities or objective value were given the highest honor America has to bestow, (celebrity status), and somewhat disastrously, more and more people wanted to join them.
Once one person got famous for doing nothing, everybody
wanted in. Real World
begat Road Rules
begat Laguna Beach
begat The Hills
begat The City
begat The Real Housewives Ofâ¦
begat Jersey Shore
and so on. If my predictions are accurate, MTV will debut a show in early 2010 that just centers around one of the New Kids on the Block trying to fuck a monkey, and it will destroy the ratings.
It's bad for culture, society and the economy when everyone
tries to be a celebrity, and Nature knows this. Just as the ratio of normal people to celebrities was about to shift in favor of the celebrities, Nature decided to strike back and straight murder a shitload of celebrities in no discernible pattern. Nature didn't murder the weakest, or the biggest, or the brightest or the fattest, she just murdered a ton of unrelated celebrities. Nature
couldn't even give a shit,
she just wanted to send a message. That message? Stop making celebrities out of brainless, self-important shit sacks.
This will happen every so often. If you, people of the future, start to get delusional senses of entitlement, and if your children start thinking "Hey, I'd
like to be a space celebrity some day, because what I
have to say is important,
" then don't be surprised if all of your celebrities start eating it early in a big, big way.
Your Current Lack of President
I'm not telling you anything surprising when I say "You don't have a president or any governing body whatsoever." That's our bad. Or, maybe not our
bad, but certainly someone's
bad, we just ended up saddled with the blame. See, in 2009, between unemployment reaching new and terrifying heights and the economy being, as economist Paul Krugman put it, "waist-deep in shit sandwiches," something needed to happen in America. Something big. Instead, nothing happened. It marked the first time in history that a US President quit when former President Barack Obama scrawled "Fuck it, it's too much" on the wall of the Oval Office and simply walked off. He couldnât fix everything, so he decided to compromise by fixing nothing and leaving office in late 2009. Honestly, though, no one's mad at him. He certainly
and he seemed like a nice enough guy. He left the White House to, as he said in interviews, "Focus on his music [and] just get back to the basics. Really stripped down, bare bones stuff, you know?" He came out with a blues album that was just okay. Showed a whole lot of promise but ultimately didn't do anything new or shake up the scene, you know?
Anyway, after his departure, the race to find his replacement was on, but no one stepped up. The logical choice, "Swingin'" Joe Biden threw a tantrum whenever anyone asked him about taking over. In March of 2010, Katie Couric asked him why he wasn't fulfilling his obligation and he reportedly stomped his feet and held his breath for a full minute, exhaling only when Katie, panicked, assured him that everything was okay, and he didn't need to be president if he didn't want to. In short, no one wanted to move in and lead the country, so no one did. That's why you're all sort ofâ¦hanging around now, I guess, and come to think of it, it's probably largely the reason that the Gorgons attacked when they did, sensing our moment of weakness and instability.
Remember that? When the Giants won Super Bowl XLIV? That was awesome. It was close, and the Giants had a season that, by all logic, should have kept them out of the Super Bowl on a very technical level, (not winning enough games), but, man, the Giants still pulled it out and won. And then Manning made a speech and thanked me
specifically. Brett Favre died. What a great game.
2009 put forth little in the way of notable television. Good shows certainly existed during
2009, (Mad Men, Dexter,
episodes of Deadwood
I would watch on DVD sometimes), but successful and influential shows that debuted
in 2009 are few and far between. It seemed that television was in a dark place, so a dissatisfied America turned to what we called "The Webternet."
When Agents of Cracked
exploded onto the scene in 2009, the whole world got measurably warmer because so much shit
hit so many fans
simultaneously that it was impossible for anyone to cool down for years. If you pretend Pinocchio
was about a little wooden turd, the debut of
Agents of Cracked
can be considered the climax of that movie, because when AOC
came onto the scene is precisely when the shit got real.
The first season of the show saw some competitors, both on the web and on TV, but all of these other shows started disappearing around the time that Season 2 debuted in 201[CLASSIFIED], as if their creators saw the majesty that was AOC
and decided that attempting to compete would be an insult, to the audience and to themselves. By Season 3, Agents of Cracked
and its many spinoffs comprised the sum total of all of the world's entertainment. But I don't need to tell you
, Future, as your language is comprised almost entirely of AOC
quotes from later seasons. That sure was one wild dick, am I right?
(Season 3, Episode 11). Oh, man. People reading this in the present, trust me, that joke is going to be hilarious
So, yes, Future, you only
understand comedy and entertainment as viewed through an Agents of Cracked
lens, but you should know that 2009 is when it all started.
Also, in the critically acclaimed Season 17, (known colloquially as "The Porn Season"), this show introduced that now popular catchphrase/sexual stereotype, "Once you go Daniel, you'll never be satisfied with any other maniel."
Sure is a whole lot of words to cram onto a shirt.
is earning his pHD in Future Space Travel at the University of Yale. Vote for Agents of Cracked
in the Streamy Awards
and he will love you. Hard
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