20 Hellish Nightmares That Used To Be Everyday Life

Depending on your philosophy, a human corpse can be anything from a sacred vessel to a sack of rotting flesh that might as well be disposed of in the nearest Taco Bell dumpster. But I think even the most cynical among us would agree that a random cadaver shouldn't be used as a prop in a wacky Christmas card, given that it would both offend the family of the deceased and make the med student's family worry about his mental health. The past, though? It didn't give a fuck. It didn't even have to be a special occasion for them to play with their corpses.

Countway Repository

That's from 1906, and there's nothing being celebrated beyond "Hey, I just realized that I have access to cadavers, and also have a disturbed sense of humor. Maybe later I'll make it look like a couple are just suckin' my dick."

At first glance, this may just look like Tim Burton's daughter dressing up for a walk with her dad, but it's actually an 1878 advertisement for "Dr. Clark's Spinal Apparatus." It claimed to help patients with spine or leg problems walk, while also improving their circulation, digestion, and strength, although modern assessments are doubtful. So 19th-Century victims of spinal issues at best had to cosplay as a carriage just to get a little pain relief, while at worst their snake oil put ours to shame in both outrage and discomfort. But Dr. Clark's invention can serve an important new purpose today, as children with orthodontic headgear can be shown this and told to count their goddamn blessings. And if that doesn't work ...

Don't you hate it when you go to the dentist and he asks you a question, but you can't answer because one of his tools is deep in your mouth, drilling up through the base of your skull and extracting a chunk of your brain because he believes it contains your soul and he wants to eat it?

That's a 1939 dental tool / torture device called a gnathograph, and it's designed to measure how your teeth are set so a dentist can fit a crown, straighten a rogue tooth, ask you where the diamonds are, etc. Thankfully, dentistry has moved on from such primitive tools, unless your insurance really sucks.

Were this 1930s picture of a smiling subject in full color, it would look just like any other fun, goofy display of patriotism you've seen dozens of times on the fourth of July. Instead, her sepia glare makes her look like a rejected BioShock Infinite boss who's moments away from impaling the photographer with one of her flags while screeching about how his inferior stock is poisoning America. And since it was the Great Depression, that would actually be a decent way to go out. Thanks, jingoism witch!

Oh shit, Lilliputians are torturing Pinocchio! But don't worry, they got their comeuppance when a dragon began devouring them.

Time

And lest you think that old floats merely look weird in black and white, rest assured that literally every aspect of the parade was nightmarish.

Time

That's right, children. Give thanks that you live in the same world as that creature, yet it has chosen not to open its mouth-portal to Nethescurial's void. It merely watches you, unblinking. Give thanks!

Those "Martians" are promoting Man In The Moon, a revue which ran at the London Palladium. I bet that wacky conversation went a little something like this:

"ATTENTION, SMALL HUMAN. DECADES FROM NOW, YOUR OFFSPRING WILL FIND OUR ANTICS AMUSING IN A STORY OF THE TOYS. YOU WILL NOT FIND US AMUSING. YOUR CHILDHOOD ENDS THIS DAY."

No one wants to know how the products we use daily are produced. We don't want to picture the cow that gave us our hamburger, we don't want to picture the child labor that went into our phones, and we don't want to picture the 1950s doll factory which gave generations of children beloved toys even while giving night watchmen a lifetime of therapy sessions. Hey, did you know that dolls in the process of being made look like people in the process of being unmade?

Mashable

I'm not saying that a serial killer became obsessed with dismembering children after working at a doll factory, but that's only because they might have just molested their victims before letting them go.

Mashable

Nope, never mind, they definitely killed them. Somewhere in a house in America is a room that looks just like that, except the heads are real and mounted on milk cartons that display pictures of their missing owners.

Mashable

The expression on that girl's face is one of a child listening to the whispers coming from a doll's mouth and being unsure of what to think. When it is done speaking, she will consider the possibility. but then, unwilling or unable to believe, will look at the boy and chide him for trying to fool her with such an outlandish prank. Then, as they leave, all the heads will rotate as one and speak, "We tried to warn you."

Do you suffer from sinus problems or other "sicknesses of the head"? Would you like to resemble a rejected Star Wars drone, BR3D-MK3R? Then this 1933 "Solar Bath Apparatus" is perfect for you! Just strap yourself in, let the UV rays heal what ails you, and try not to worry about the fact that all sorts of horrible things could be happening to your skull and no observers would have a clue. I mean, it's probably not secretly a prototype of a mind-reading device that accidentally causes brain tumors. And it will probably stay secure on its wall mount and not come crashing to the floor, snapping your neck in the process. So sit back, enjoy your solar bath, and hope that your nose doesn't get itchy.

Look at how thrilled that young man is! Look at how the man in the bear costume definitely isn't plotting his horrid demise!

The Guardian

Even the Wehrmacht got in on it, because nothing says a day of fun before being shipped to the Eastern Front to freeze to death like posing with a polar bear. Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if a polar bear screamed anti-Semitic slurs? You will now. But perhaps what's most interesting is the fact that, regardless of the era the photo was taken in, the bear always looks like it just finished blowing someone at the Overlook.

PRI

Go on, German kids, join the Eisbar Club! It's just like America's Mickey Mouse Club, except your beloved mascot clearly wants to do unspeakable things to you!

Fun fact: This 12-year-old clown performing in 1955 is none other than Christopher Walken. Additional fun fact: Walken continues to puts on the clown makeup to this day to entertain friends and family. Then, when they've all gone to sleep, he sneaks into the home of a stranger and sucks out their soul as revenge for their incessant quoting of "More Cowbell."

Dangerous Minds
This one is called "The Last Feast of Christopher Walken."

So what if you lived in the 1930s and wanted to go to the circus to be terrified, but weren't afraid of clowns? Don't worry -- those people had plenty of options, because old circus acts weren't about dazzling feats of strength, acrobatics, and wonder. Instead, they tried to answer the question of how close they could come to killing someone for the amusement of the rubes.

Buzzfeed

"But I'm sure they carefully calculated their stunts to minimize the risk of harm!" you might think. Don't kid yourself. This was the '30s. They'd drown an immigrant in front of his children if they thought people would pay to watch.

Buzzfeed

The man holding the rock slab died after that photo was taken. Maybe decades later from old age, but maybe mere moments later, when his spine snapped and children cheered his twitching.

The photographer killed himself shortly after documenting their work.

That's a member of the KKK circa 1870, and given that he looks like someone who forgot to make a Halloween costume and desperately slapped a bunch of crap that was lying around the house onto a dunce cap, your first instinct is probably to laugh. But imagine five or six of them standing on your lawn in the middle of the night, burning a cross and brandishing guns. A critique of their artistic skills probably wouldn't be the first thing that came to mind.

The Met

That one's from 1869, and he's apparently on break from filming a surreal music video to get a little racism in. Much like how the Star Wars movies that were made on small budgets look better than the prequels that spent hundreds of millions of dollars, a costume thrown together from a few sheets can look far more ominous than anything someone with unlimited access to a Hobby Lobby could come up with. It's like Death Eaters teamed up with their muggle brethren.