As much as I'd like to get overly snarky about an over-expensive stone you're supposed to shove in your vagina for what essentially amounts to "like, positive vibes," I'll instead quote Dr. Jen Gunter, the OB-GYN from a few entries ago who seems to share my righteous beef with products like these:
"I would like to point out that jade is porous which could allow bacteria to get inside and so the egg could act like a fomite. This is not good, in case you were wondering. It could be a risk factor for bacterial vaginosis or even the potentially deadly toxic shock syndrome. Regarding the suggestion to wear the jade egg while walking around, well, I would like to point out that your pelvic floor muscles are not meant to contract continuously. In fact, it is quite difficult to isolate your pelvic floor while walking so many women could actually clench other muscles to keep the egg inside. It is possible the pained expression of clenching your butt all day could be what is leading people to stare, not some energy glow."
"You've made a powerful enemy today, Dr. Gunter."
That, obligatory person who has purchased this product and is reading this article after googling "why does my Jade Vaginal Stone feel weird," was a professional telling you that not only doesn't your yoni-cleansing horseshit rock not work as advertised -- it's downright detrimental to your health. Not that it ever stopped people inclined to believe this kind of thing -- somehow, the jade egg has actually sold out. See if you can spot the painfully crab-walking New Age-oriented coworker who bought one!
Still, not even Her Goopness will pretend that shoving glorified rocks all up your equipment is a pleasant experience. After all, that particular lunacy market is cornered by Chakrubs.
Yeah, that's really their name.
Yes, someone out there decided to carve "healing crystals" into straight-up dildos, and yes, they advertise them with all the words you know and love from regular crystal horseshittery: Doing it with one of these totally in no way super cold and stony contraptions will, among other things, "create harmony in mind, body, and spirit," "remove blocks caused by sexual trauma," "encourage self-awareness and mindfulness," and "set the tone for you to create your own intentions of wellness."
Though, to be fair, I actually buy that encouraging self-awareness part. Once you've voluntarily fucked a $114 rock, chances are you're going to know a whole lot more about yourself than you'd like to.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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