Dr. Pepper, Axl Rose and a Completely Unrelated Video: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

A Couple Of Things I spend a lot of time thinking about time machines. More specifically, I spend a lot of time thinking about what I would like to go back in time and witness firsthand if I had one. A bear-baiting event, Zeppelin live at Earls Court and the Boston Molasses Disaster all used to seem like obvious first stops, but after reading this headline this morning I'm not so sure anymore: Dr Pepper Will Give Everyone* in America a Free Soda If Axl Rose Releases New Guns N' Roses Album, Chinese Democracy, In 2008 (*Guitarists Slash and Buckethead Will Not Be Eligible For Free Soda) Fuck bear-baiting, fuck molasses, and fuck the greatest rock concerts of the 20th century1 - I'd rather go back in time two months, hide behind a coat rack in a conference room at Dr. Pepper corporate headquarters, and listen in on what must have been the most hilariously misguided marketing department meeting of all time. According to the press release:
"It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love,” said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. “So we completely understand and empathize with Axl's quest for perfection – for something more than the average album. We know once it's released, people will refer to it as "Dr Pepper for the ears" because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds - an instant classic.”
I understand the thinking behind this campaign - it's bizarre and random and just the kind of thing that those KUH-RAZY interweb bloggers love to repost and give free viral buzz (case in point) - but it's too bad that whoever came up with this one doesn't read the Cracked blog; we broke the Chinese Democracy story back in November, and if they'd been reading us back then, they'd know that Chinese Democracy is already slated for release in 2008. I'd be completely shocked if the thing actually came out, of course, but still - how awesome would it be if it actually came out and Dr. Pepper owed everyone in America a soda (except Slash and Buckethead)? With a current population of 300 million, assuming each can of soda costs Dr. Pepper one penny, that means this publicity stunt could end up costing them $3 million (or $2,999,999.98 if you subtract Slash and Buckethead). I can't wait to see how this turns out. Like I literally can't wait. Fuck - does anyone have a time machine? Oh - and here's a video of a midget sliding on his face. 1 Warning: Do not actually fuck any of these things.
To turn on reply notifications, click here

25 Comments

Load Comments

More Blogs

5 People Who Learned A Horrible Truth About Themselves On TV

The main benefit of watching TV is seeing the plight of sad bastards who aren't you.

78

5 Annoying Things They Don't Tell You About Being A Parent

Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.

127

5 New (And Strangely Plausible) Conspiracy Theories

There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.

162

The 5 Weirdest Unanswered Questions Of The Marvel Universe

There are gaps in the fictional universe that multiply from one film to the next.

105

4 More Anticipated Movies That Are In Serious Trouble

Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.

92

5 Reasons Gender-Flipped Remakes Never Work

Hollywood has taken the entirely wrong message from its box office receipts.

274