Myself and hundreds of attractive mature woman wage war in the null plane.
"So discuss the risks with your physician. Be wary of their lies, though, for they have but the hearts of men, which will turn black with envy at the prospect of your newfound abilities."
I lift a physician above my head and cast him down on the rocks below.
"You shall restrain my power no more, bloodletter!"
"Thanks to Comtransa, I no longer worry about the effects of Distressing Ass Syndrome. My concerns are of a higher order now. Is it right that I have such power? Should I share it with others or hoard it for myself? But who better than I to manage the affairs of man? A new, golden world awaits us all, if only I have the courage to take us there."
A shining vision of a golden world in the distance. But something dark pollutes it.
"But what heights we could attain if only others could transcend their filth! If others had this power, what glories we could achieve! If they could manage it."
I brood, perched atop a piece of antique furniture, holding the globe in my hands.
"Perhaps other DAS sufferers, after consulting with their physicians and then hurling them down on the rocks, would be my equal. But what would happen if a lesser person, someone without DAS, took Comtransa? Can I find out? Is it right to experiment on humanity like that?"
The golden world turns to ash. Fade to my grinning face, which pulls back. I'm now sanding three pieces of antique furniture simultaneously.
"And who would stop me?"
The camera passes a row of twisted, bleeding hulks. Were they once humans? It is unclear.
Was this a failure? Or a success? Or did I just ruin a perfectly good cow?
"The path is clear. Everyone must take Comtransa. Every rock must have a physician cast upon it."
A single screaming physician is methodically flung onto rocks, one at a time.
"Comtransa. Consult your physician and cast them onto the rocks."
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and very unhealthy. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw, is available right now! Holy shit! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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