This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
It's safe to say that unless you have the power to teleport, you probably want a new car. Maybe your current one sounds like a Tyrannosaur when you pump the brakes, or maybe it's actually haunted, or maybe you rode around in a friend's car and stared in disbelief at their backup camera for an hour. But can you afford a new one? Probably not. Nobody can. Nobody but the super-wealthy, anyway, and who cares what they think? They wear monocles and stuff.
But what if we told you that you could upgrade your old car into a fancy one for essentially no money? Well, that's what we're telling you right now. You just need the following products.
Do you hold your cellphone in your hand while you're driving like some kind of cave person? Well, besides being unfashionable and vaguely paleolithic, you're 100 percent going to get somebody killed, so stop doing it immediately. Instead, grab this nifty car mount. It clips into your air vent, so it doesn't obscure your view of the road, and it even rotates 360 degrees so you can orient your phone however you want. Normally $24.99, you can buy the ARMOR-X One-Lock Air Vent Car Mount right now for just $12.99.
Here's a scenario: Let's say your phone is almost completely without charge, and you have to navigate your way across town to accept the Coolest Ever Award at the National Convention For Rad Peeps And Anime in 20 minutes.
What do you do?
Your only option is the Qi Wireless Fast Charging Car Charger. It locks right into air vents so as not to obscure your view, charges all Qi-compatible phones wirelessly (iPhone 8 and X, most Samsung phones, among others), and charges so quickly, you won't even believe it (unless you're already familiar with fast-charging technology, in which case it will be mostly in line with your expectations, but still pretty impressive). This baby normally runs you an entire Benjamin, but right now, the Qi Wireless Fast Charging Car Charger is 70 percent off and costs a mere $29.99.
Whether you live by a farm and catch the occasional whiff of cow dung or you live in a bustling cityscape and catch the ever-present aroma of Los Angeles, you're aware of drive-by scents that are less than pleasant. So you should probably grab this air purifier, which pops easily into your DC outlet, to ionize the air and remove odors left behind by pets, sweat, food, or the awfulness that is Los Angeles. This is the kind of product that probably goes for about $89, right? Right! But you can buy the Car Plug-In Air Purifier right now for just $19.99, because we like your moxie.
Dash cams aren't just for playing your own version of Carpool Karaoke. They have very real security applications, and can be the deciding factor in a fault dispute after an accident. Also, yeah, you can record yourself and a friend singing show tunes while driving. GoSafe records in full 1080p HD, and has a 120-degree viewing angle for high-quality videos in any lighting condition. It also automatically turns on when it detects movement in front of the camera, and the built-in G sensor saves files in the event of a collision. Normally this would go for $99.99, but get it now and the GoSafe 228 Dash Cam will only cost you $59.99.
Fun fact: It's impossible to parallel park unless you're a witch. The people bragging about their ability to parallel park in the comments? All witches. But what if you don't have access to the eldritch arts? Just pick up the FenSens Smart License Plate Frame. It uses object-sensing technology to identify how close you are to something, and signals you with visual cues on your phone. It also runs on batteries, so there's no need for a complicated rewiring project. Normally $149.99, the FenSens Smart License Plate Frame can be yours for a paltry $119.99. Fair warning: Once you're this good at parking, FenSens is not responsible if you get persecuted as a witch.
Look, I Want to Believe that we'll one day have access to functional hoverboards. But we all know those things are an Obvious Explosion Hazard. So, maybe we should all stick to more traditional, boring methods of transportation.
For more ways to pimp out your ride, check out 10 Cheap Ways To Make Your Car High-Tech.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.
It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.