Doll Up The Bedroom With Your New Sheet Buying Skills

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.

Let's face it: The last time you bought new sheets likely dates back to when you graduated from a dorm room extra-long twin bed. Even if you consistently wash said sheets every 10-14 days (as if that were even remotely true), years of youthful abandon have definitely taken their toll on your linens. You're a responsible adult now, and as a responsible adult, it's important that your sheets don't look like the crinkled remnants of a giant paper towel.

So before you have a mental breakdown in the middle of a mattress store, here are some key things to remember when buying new sheets.

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Thread Count Is Often Meaningless

In theory, a higher thread count results in a denser, more luxurious textile. But this misleading metric doesn't take into account the type or quality of fibers used. Thinner threads need to be woven in higher numbers to achieve the same results as a thicker fiber, and two-ply yarns can be falsely labeled as double their actual count. Basically, thread count is about as accurate a gauge of a fabric's softness as innings pitched is an accurate gauge of a pitcher's ability to yell obscenities in the dugout.

Check The Weave

Believe it or not (but believe it, because otherwise the concept of information is pointless), the weave pattern on your sheets is just as important as the quality of the fiber. For example, a plainly woven sheet will have the same amount of vertical and horizontal threads per square inch, but a sateen weave will provide an extra-soft touch by increasing the number of vertical yarns. Pinpoint weaves are a middle ground between standard and sateen, and twill weaves use a distinctive diagonal line to help reduce wrinkles.

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Finish Is The Difference Between A Dream Airbnb Listing And A Wrinkly Nest

Of all the tips and tricks of the bed sheet trade, understanding the finish is what elevates you to Martha Stewartian levels. (That and prison time.) Some textiles go through a singeing process to prevent your sleeping surface from pilling. (That's what it's called when tiny fluff balls appear out of nowhere.) A good finish can also help fibers hold dye better and prevent wrinkling. Unfortunately, there's nothing yet that can prevent your sheets from crusting up, but that one might be on you.

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Don't Forget To Wash Them First!

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If you remember one thing, make it this: Don't sleep in any sheets straight from the store. You'll want to wash away that new sheets smell, which for whatever reason is horribly inferior to new car smell. Brand-new sheets also need a couple rounds through the wash to get all the stiffness out and let the weave settle. Once they're done, though, they'll be snugger than a Tauntaun's innards.

Our favorite sheets are the Ultra Soft 1800 Series Bamboo Bed Sheets. These are made from a bamboo and microfiber blend that is as soft as it is sturdy. The set includes fitted and top sheets, as well as a pair of matching pillowcases. They usually cost $50 for the queen-sized version, but you can get them for just $29.99 in either grey, ivory, or white. And remember, give them a good wash.

Look, there's no reason to fearchange. Just because you've used the same crusty blanket since college doesn't mean you can't freshen up your pad a bit. Come on, buddy, Go Big or Phone Home.

After a hard day of sweet, sweet makeovers, grab your favorite (crusty, probably) blanet and settle in for gentle slumber. You've earned it.Goodnight You Princes Of Maine, Kings Of The Cracked Store.

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