The 5 Most Horrifying Attempts to Teach Sex Ed to Children

"Come on, sweetie, have a little fun."

I'm learning and freshening my breath!

A more honest reply would have been, "It doesn't affect my parole if you don't taste this condom, but I'd still like a photo of it on my cell phone" but we can't change history, we can only learn from it. The state heath department looked into the situation after the mother of the girl complained and determined the mother and the girl were just being uptight. Turns out the government in New Mexico is totally on board with this methodology, claiming the method helps destigmatize condoms for the students. You know that stigma condoms have about maybe not tasting like pina colada? Yeah, totally removes that. DIY Version: If your undercarriage-related urges are becoming too strong for you to resist and you don't have access to a state employee who will feed you prophylactics, try filling a party balloon with jam and chewing on it for a while. You'll get that lust in check and be one step closer to a GED.

Soon to be a feature film starring Wesley Snipes.

Standing proud like a Down Under, Gay Pride Flash, a vaguely disinterested sneer on his face, one hand clenched into a fist and a far away look in his eyes that seems to say, "the Great Lakes Avengers would be a better gig than this," Condoman wants you to not be ashamed of taking a box of condoms from a spandex-clad man on a beach. That shit's perfectly normal. Condoman was so beloved back in 1991, they had to resurrect him in 2009 with this updated campaign in which he hurls condoms like ninja stars at his unsuspecting victims, daring you to feel shame lest he pummel you with another latex barrage.

I kick ass at ring toss.

DIY Version: If you can't get to Australia and you're feeling more shame than game, bolster your confidence and sense of manliness by eating chicken wings, drinking beer and shooting chainsaws at Nazis while wearing a condom or two. That used to be the final test for becoming a Marine back in the day.

What people want to see on YouTube is far more disturbing.

The approach is like Scared Straight programs from the 80s, extended to the genital region: Scared Flaccid. DIY Version: This one's pretty easy, you just need a boy hamster, a girl hamster and some patience. Maybe a bit of therapy, too.

the Sex Squad. It's a game for teens to help broach the issue of safer sex. Naturally, it features a team of heroes like Willy the Kid and Captain Condom for the guys and Power Pap and Wonder Vag for the girls. It would be awesome if that joke was mine, but sadly I can never claim credit for coining the term "power pap." The Squad has to face off against the villainous Sperminator. Why so villainous? Aside from being a Mexican wrestler with giant, veiny dongs for arms, he's apparently also lousy with VD. The point of the game is to answer safe sex trivia and if you answer questions wrong, he ejaculates on you. And that's why I never go to Tijuana anymore.

Whatever you do, don't give him an Indian burn.

I like to think if sex ed had always involved a Mexican wrestler with dicks for arms, the world would have been a different place. Like say you're out on a date, and you just watched something like Dear John or the Rock's opus The Tooth Fairy and you're both clearly in the mood to take things further in the back of your station wagon, when out of nowhere you hear a spongy tap on the window, and there's a Mexican wrestler with dick hands. And you're all "what the –" but before you can finish he just pastes you to the driver seat for your youthful indiscretions.

This was lifted wholesale from the original story behind Pitfall.

DIY Version: Your best bet for recreating this at home requires the use of an old Halloween superhero costume, some sex ed trivia cue cards and, you know, a Mexican wrestler who's willing to masturbate in the same room with you. Get familiar with Ian's extensive archive of Cracked feature articles.