Soon to be a feature film starring Wesley Snipes.
Standing proud like a Down Under, Gay Pride Flash, a vaguely disinterested sneer on his face, one hand clenched into a fist and a far away look in his eyes that seems to say, "the Great Lakes Avengers would be a better gig than this," Condoman wants you to not be ashamed of taking a box of condoms from a spandex-clad man on a beach. That shit's perfectly normal.
Condoman was so beloved back in 1991, they had to resurrect him in 2009 with this updated campaign in which he hurls condoms like ninja stars at his unsuspecting victims, daring you to feel shame lest he pummel you with another latex barrage.
I kick ass at ring toss.
DIY Version:
If you can't get to Australia and you're feeling more shame than game, bolster your confidence and sense of manliness by eating chicken wings, drinking beer and shooting chainsaws at Nazis while wearing a condom or two. That used to be the final test for becoming a Marine back in the day.
Sometimes the best approach to a topic is a blunt one. If you're not good with bluntness you can take a lateral step into horrifying and see how that works out, it's what the National Health Service in Leicester did.
Concerned about youth pregnancy and the potential for producing more kids who grow up playing music that sounds like Oasis, the NHS wanted to shock kids, so they figured a video shot to look like footage caught on a cell phone of a
girl giving birth right on the field outside of school might work. Remember how every time you saw a live birth out on the football field you brought condoms to school the next day, just in case? Works like a charm.
Gather âround everyone, it's the miracle of life!
The video was on YouTube for less than a day before they realized that the online audience doesn't want to see shaky cam footage of a head crowning from the vagina of a teenage girl.
What people want to see on YouTube is far more disturbing.
The approach is like Scared Straight programs from the 80s, extended to the genital region: Scared Flaccid.
DIY Version:
This one's pretty easy, you just need a boy hamster, a girl hamster and some patience. Maybe a bit of therapy, too.
The concept of a knocked up doll isn't a new one, they've been out there for curiously mature and mildly sociopathic children for ages. Some kids want to play with
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures, some want a plastic uterus. It's just that there's something curiously wrong with this particular doll. See if you can spot it.
The ice is going to break!
Yes, this is the one doll that seeks to educate your child about the mystery of birth through the use of some kind of woven pubic hair halo and what appears to be the voodoo doll head of Christopher Walken circa the
Dead Zone era bursting from knit loins.
Complete with metal interlocking mouth/nipple combinations, these dolls are sure to teach a curious child everything they need to know about birthing and anatomy, providing they were raised in a Japanese cyberpunk horror movie. If only there were some way to fit in knit rectum tentacles, they would have really captured some sort of zeitgeist there.
Because the dolls are helping create well-rounded kids, there's also a daddy doll with junk that looks kind of like a tiny ET with a Conan O'Brien wig on, which is equal parts awesome and terrifying in its own right.
Everything here makes me uncomfortable
DIY Version:
Buy a pack of cheap tube socks at Wal-Mart, some googly eyes and a good quantity of pube-shade yarn and you're halfway there.
Sex ed can often get a little boring and predictable; you can only see so many images of genital warts before it all blurs into one traumatic childhood memory. How do you spice things up, especially if you're crippled with no sense of irony or an appreciation for anything that has ever caused another human being to utter "what the fuck?" Did you guess a supervillain with dicks for hands and a superhero named Wonder Vag?
The Middlesex London Health Unit in London, Ontario sure did. After racking their brains, probably for several hours and/or bottles of low-grade vodka, the came up with
the Sex Squad. It's a game for teens to help broach the issue of safer sex. Naturally, it features a team of heroes like Willy the Kid and Captain Condom for the guys and Power Pap and Wonder Vag for the girls. It would be awesome if that joke was mine, but sadly I can never claim credit for coining the term "power pap."
The Squad has to face off against the villainous Sperminator. Why so villainous? Aside from being a Mexican wrestler with giant, veiny dongs for arms, he's apparently also lousy with VD. The point of the game is to answer safe sex trivia and if you answer questions wrong, he ejaculates on you. And that's why I never go to Tijuana anymore.
Whatever you do, don't give him an Indian burn.
I like to think if sex ed had always involved a Mexican wrestler with dicks for arms, the world would have been a different place. Like say you're out on a date, and you just watched something like
Dear John or the Rock's opus
The Tooth Fairy and you're both clearly in the mood to take things further in the back of your station wagon, when out of nowhere you hear a spongy tap on the window, and there's a Mexican wrestler with dick hands. And you're all "what the â" but before you can finish he just pastes you to the driver seat for your youthful indiscretions.
This was lifted wholesale from the original story behind Pitfall.
DIY Version: Your best bet for recreating this at home requires the use of an old Halloween superhero costume, some sex ed trivia cue cards and, you know, a Mexican wrestler who's willing to masturbate in the same room with you.
Get familiar with Ian's extensive archive of Cracked feature articles.
Ian Fortey
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