Dinosaurs Do It For 65,000,000 Years.

Next time you get home from school only to shed your backpack, slam your bedroom door and collapse in frenzied weeping onto the bottom bunk because Brittany already has a date for Winter Ball, take some comfort in the knowledge that Pteranodons used to do the exact same thing. Researchers at Berkeley have just concluded a study indicating that dinosaurs reached sexual maturity during their teenage years, just like me! Of course, dinosaur puberty had a few differences:
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  • Instead of pimples, they got scales and wicked eye ridges.
  • Their voices cracked, but no one really noticed because they were too busy getting their eggs stomped on and their throats ripped out.
  • Our dicks get bigger, but theirs got a lot bigger.
  • But despite these divergences, I’m sure awkwardness with the ladies still plagued our saurian brothers. After all, no T-Rex is going to be able to work up the nerve to ask a girl to the tar pits when he’s all self-conscious about his gimp arms. And unlike human teens, his inability to reach his own genitals meant the sexual frustration was totally insurmountable. At least not without rubbing himself against a rock or getting an accommodating Dimetrodon friend to help him out, and the guys that did that were never quite the same. How do the scientists know that all this is true? Well, as one researcher put it, "They wouldn't be ovulating if they weren't of reproductive age.” Careful; that motto can get you in trouble in most states.
    Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes paleontological videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
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