Cracked readers, fellow bloggers, America: I'm a simple man with just a few, simple ambitions. Some of these ambitions, I've had to give up, and some I still keep in my heart. For one thing, I'd like to take Danica McKellar on a date. One date, probably to the Olive Garden, whenever she wants between now and the day I die. Additionally, I wouldn't mind owning a robot that could help straighten up my apartment but that also knew when and how to party. I want to punch Nicolas Cage in his face at least once and I'd like to be friends with 50 Cent. Also, several (several) years ago, my only goal in life was to be the man to take Lindsay Lohanâs virginity. That ship, unfortunately, has sailed. Sailed, docked, sailed again, made Herbie: Fully Loaded, checked into rehab, did some more sailing, and I have no doubt that this ship will eventually do porn so as to remain in the public spotlight, or perhaps just to feel something. My friends, when I learned I would never take Lindsay Lohanâs virginity -when I discovered that I would never treat her to a Freaky Friday and a predictably Disappointing and Awkward Saturday Morning- well, I was crushed. I was crushed because that was a goal, a dream, that I had to abandon. My final and most important ambition in life is to develop a very public feud with the bitch that plays Hannah Montana and expose her for the monster she is and this is one ambition I will not give up on. Last weekend, Hannah Montanaâs movie, Hannah Montana Hates Freedom, was number one in the box office taking in over thirty million dollars in just three days and also set the record for having the highest per-screen average ever. So impressive was this weekend, in fact, that Hannah Montana actually "stole headlines away from one of the most memorable upsets in the history of the National Football League". Got that? Weâre basically saying to the rest of the world that Hannah Montana is more important to America than the Super Bowl and Rambo. Is that the kind of image that we want to present? Granted, Iâm not totally sure I know what it is that Hannah Montana actually does. Iâve never seen her program and all I know about her is based on what I read about her in Mein Kampf. What I do know is that this is too much power for any one person to have. My friends, we have to take America back from Hannah Montana. By the time she turns 18, sheâll already be a billionaire and itâll be too late to stop her. Now, am I advocating that you help destroy her career by spreading around a bunch of vicious rumors? Rumors, for example, like "Hannah Montana says she won't rest until abortions are taught in every school"? No, of course not. I mean, just because I heard somewhere that Hannah Montana wishes time travel existed just so she could go back and microwave the Baby Jesus, doesn't mean you should call your local news station immediately...But it does make you think.
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.
It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.