Dear God, They Want to Take Away our Pornography (A Manifesto)

When they came for our free music, I said nothing, because I used Bittorrent. When they came for our free TV shows, I said nothing, because I have a DVR. When they came for our free movies, I said nothing, because, again, Bittorrent. But now they come for our pornography, and no longer can I remain silent! No longer can I stay my typing fingers while the rights bestowed upon us by our very broadband connections are whittled away, parceled and sold off before our very weeping eyes, flaccid penises, and parched vaginas! I have
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

paid for pornography, friends. I have paid and paid: my time, my sense of self-respect, my meaningful human relationships. But to pay money?! Such a thing cannot, nay SHALL not come to pass! Today, I say, we band together! We, the anonymous minority, the faceless throng, must march together, hand in sweaty, sticky hand, towards those who would thwart our will! Vivid Video, you who nursed us from tender young goslings into full-grown Internet perverts, wings proudly fapping in the sun, we beg you: end this madness! Jameson! Tai! Devon! Carrera! Thai! (I have an Asian thing) These ample fruits are not to be hoarded, but spread with joy to all comers! Besides, we all have Limewire, so stop spending time filing lawsuits when you could be finishing Post-pro on
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Where the Boys Aren't 27. NERDY AUTHOR'S NOTE: The preceding manifesto contained four sex puns, two of which are probably more subtle than they should have been, and one of which is so condescendingly obscure that he should be beaten for including it. He apologizes, but could not resist.
To turn on reply notifications, click here

41 Comments

Load Comments

More Blogs

12 Weird Changes The Government Asked Famous Movies to Make

Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.

126

5 Apocalypse Scenarios You Should Stop Worrying About

Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.

182

11 Everyday Gadgets That Just Wouldn't Die

Nothing lasts forever ... except these things.

95

The 5 Worst Changes The MCU Made To The Source Material

In some cases, the Marvel source material just did better.

163

5 Horror Movie Characters Who Deserve More Credit

These characters are amazing with or without ample amounts of screen time.

52

5 Mobile App Scams That Just Keep Getting Worse

Google's algorithms know us better than we know ourselves.

86