Do you guys remember Roseanne Barr? She was the "actress" and "comedian" who fronted the show Roseanne for a while. I put "comedian" in quotes because I don't think she's actually that funny, and "actress" in quotes because I have a pretty sound theory that she's actually a remarkably well-trained pig.

You can dress a pig up in flannel and give it a sitcom, but that does not make it a human.

Pig theories notwithstanding, Roseanne has made some headlines for herself when she squealed "angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more" on her stupid fucking blog. To be fair, they are spitting out more dunces. Angelina just gave birth to twins. Fuck those assholes, right? If they really cared about this planet, they'd stop donating a measly few million to charity and instead they'd kill off one of those little womb raiders. Now, why would Roseanne say these things? Is it because she's miserable? Is it for Publicity? Is it for Piglicity?! I decided it was my job as someone who genuinely had nothing better to do to dig a little bit deeper into this matter. Since she declined my interview, (and since I never technically asked her for one), I decided to read every post on her blog for two straight weeks. (My dedication to this website is un-fucking-paralleled.) I can assure you, all of the quotes attributed to Roseanne come directly from her blog. Anything else is merely an attempt by me to interpret her message. I am, we can say, the charming, well-toned Plato to her bitter, doughy Socrates, if you will.

On Jon Voight:

Roseanne: "jon voight is a frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu, who acts like Obama just wandered in from the rain forest with a bone thru his nose and a communist pamphlet in his loincloth." DOB: ...Okay, without having any recent photographs of Jon Voight at the ready, I can't exactly refute your claims. I will concede that it's possible that jon voight is wearing a pink ballet tutu, though I still find that hard to believe. Also, I can see how you might be confused when you see Jon Voight "act like Obama just wandered in from the rain", and I think I might be able to help you out on this one. Did you see Transformers? In Transformers, he "acted" like the Secretary of Defense, even though he wasn't actually the Secretary of Defense, just like there weren't actually a bunch of enormous robot monsters battling each other. See? See how much we're learning, Roseanne? Let's keep going.

On Behaving Like a Human:

[A woman wrote to Roseanne defending Brad and Angelina, citing the contributions they've made to charity, ($23 million just this year), and arguing that dubbing Angelina the "spawn of Satan" is, perhaps, unnecessarily harsh. The woman then politely requested that Roseanne apologize to Brad and Angelina. Roseanne reacted just like a totally not crazy human being, saying, (among other things):] Roseanne: "You are responsible for every bad thing that happens on this earth...has that ever occurred to you in the least, and if so, do you DO anything to help anyone at all, or speak out for anything at all, or just sit on your fat ass telling celebrities off all day?" DOB: On your mark. Get set. Avoid discussing the many valid points raised in the woman's email in favor of absurdly spectacular accusations! Aaand, we've got Roseanne by a landslide on that one. She really is a terrifying lunatic! (Also, please take note: It is irresponsible of you as a human being to assume that someone is "fat assed" just because they're sitting around insulting you. Case in point, the ass upon which I sit all day when I make fun of you is astonishingly well-toned. You can ask anyone.)

On Denver, Colorado:

Roseanne: "Denver has built concentration camps to hold protesters during the [Democratic National] convention." DOB: No they didn't. No they didn't.

On Race, Religion and Poverty:

Roseanne: "They want to continue their racial holy war against the poor, it pays such great dividends these days." DOB: I've got a couple of issues here, so just bear with me a little while. Now, it seems like you're saying there's a war against all of the poor people in America. But...uh, 'Racial holy war against the poor'? Poor isn't a race, Roseanne... So..so I'm not totally sure how a war against the poor would be racist. I mean, if you automatically assume that all poor people are of a certain race, well, I think that kind of makes you a racist. A little bit. Am...am I getting through at all?

Okay, no. Because, I mean, Roseanne, it seems like when you hear "poor," you immediately think of a very specific race. Which, I gotta say, isn't standard. Because when I think "poor," for example, the first thing that comes into my head isn't any one race. It's "pee pee." Because poor people very often smell like pee pee. Moving on, though, this issue is similar. How is this war a 'holy' war? "Poor" isn't a religion either. Is someone trying to convert the poor? To what? Also, who is waging this war against the poor? And how is it paying such 'great dividends?' Is there a lot of money to be had in racist holy wars against the defenseless and economically crippled? Roseanne, I don't think you're very bright at all.

On Pro Life:

Roseanne: "mccain is pro-life and that of course means pro-war! Pro-life means the worship of the holy sanctified fetus and the death of the unholy unsanctified fetus." DOB: That's not what Pro-Life means...It just isn't.

On Pro Choice?:

Roseanne: "I predicted it: Obama's vote to kill babies born alive after partial birth abortion is the thing republicans have up their sleeve. Michelle [Obama] was the fund raiser that made it possible, and they have her on tape defending women's right to kill their babies who refuse to die from having their brains sucked out." [And again.] "[Michelle Obama] is on tape defending sucking the brains out of babies who live through late term abortions."

DOB: 'Sucking the brains out of babies'? Now, if you'd only said it once, I could understand, but these posts are from two separate days, so just... give me a second here... Oh, okay, I see what's happening here. It's zombies. You're thinking of zombies. Zombies are the ones who feast on brains, not...not abortion doctors. And not Michelle Obama. Look, it's not clear who exactly you think is harvesting baby brains, but I'll just save us a lot of trouble and tell you that only zombies are interested in brains, and I have it on good authority that zombies aren't even an immediate threat for us right now. I'm not sure how you got this issue so tremendously confused, but, there you go.

On Strange Bullshit:

Roseanne: "all is in the all and the all is in all. " DOB: That's like six kinds of crazy and there are only five unique words in that entire sentence.

On Things Culinary:

Roseanne: "tonight is turkey taco night" DOB: Bullshit, it's Friday, Roseanne. Friday is Steak Night. Why do you hate America so much?

On Things to Make Me Vomit:

Roseanne: "maureen "c-word" dowd she giggles to herself as she clutches and strokes her vibrator about how adept she is at slandering and destroying pro-feminist females who's clitorises still work right. " DOB: That's like, seriously, the grossest fucking thing you've ever done. I want to tell you a little something about how reading works. When I read a book, I get vivid images based on descriptions in the book in my head. Do...do you see where I'm going with this? So, when you say things like 'vibrator' and 'clitorises,' you get the reader's imagination going, you know? We start to picture these things. You realize that, right? That when you say vibrator and clitoris, you've successfully just put those images in the minds of your readers? And do you realize that you're Roseanne Barr, and that now all of these images, (vibrators, aging clitorises, your greasy hamgina) are doing a filthy, sweaty three-person tango in my mind, right? Did you know that?

I can't get these images out of head, Roseanne. [And, yes, I said "hamgina" because I've yet to see convincing evidence to dispute my "You're Technically a Well-Trained Pig" theory.]

On Totally Shocking Celebrity News:

Roseanne: "i do not know brangelina and do not mean to personally impugn them as they might be good people in the flesh, but the media's images of them are smelly and vile." DOB: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. You don't know Brad and Angelina personally? Please, allow me to let this colossal shock set in. You don't know Brangelina? You, Roseanne Barr, don't rub elbows with Brad and Angelina and George Clooney and the rest of the Hollywood elite? You mean to say that you're not invited to all of their swanky wine, cheese and fuck parties? Goodness, thank you, thank you for pointing out the fact that you don't know Brangelina as I'd just naturally assumed that you always hang out with them because you're so relevant and charming and un-swine-like.
(I am making fun of you.)

On The Media:

Roseanne: "I must always attack the media's representation of what is good or cool, because those who inhabit the media world of glamour and entertainment and fashion and gossip are horrid people who have no talent of any kind, and yet think of themselves as tastemakers. taste my sandy buttcrack, tmz, and perez!" DOB: And there you go. Making me want to puke all over again. I don't know why your butt crack is sandy, that's your business and, frankly, I find it horrifying.

On Pissing Me Off With Spelling:

Roseanne: "I think elizabeth hasselberg is a f'r s're closet case that wants to get whipped by sherri shepherd in a black corset while old babs slaps a riding crop on both of their exposed butt-oxes." DOB: Let me just catch up here while I wade through the series of consonants you decided to jam into your first sentence...Is that 'for sure'? Is that what you're trying to say? Why would...That's... 'F'r s're' is the exact same amount of letters, I don't understand why you would do that. I hate you. I'm out.

On Jesus:

Roseanne: "jesus said in these days: "they will swallow camels and strain at gnats". Whatever Jesus puts into my heart and tells me to be brave enough to say I will say." Jesus: She's bringing me into this? That little pig bitch...

There you have it. My final review on the blog? If you're one of those people who, when faced with a terribly complex problem, decides to come up with an overly simplistic yet shockingly misguided and uninformed solution, Roseanne's blog sounds right up your stupid fucking alley. If not, you can skip it and just go back to the way things used to be, (i.e., about a week ago when you either forgot Roseanne existed or assumed she'd politely and gracefully died of bacon-related complications years ago).

*UPDATE*: I made an account for and was subsequently banned from the Roseanne Barr forums. Neat!

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Gladstone is pathetically insecure. Please acknowledge his existence on this fucking social networking site because he thinks having a bunch of friends on the internet means he's a good person in real life. (It does not.)

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