As Cracked has grown and expanded as a site, we've slowly become a more integral part of our readers lives. No longer merely a means to delay doing actual work by finding out which seven Presidents were the most skilled with edged weapons, Cracked has become the hub around which many of our readers base their lives.
Naturally, many of these readers have begun asking us for our advice on a variety of subject matters, perhaps convinced that our knowledge of enumerated subject matter makes us ideally suited to solve their problems. Which is a bit unfortunate. Given the manner in which most comedy writers live their lives, we are generally the last people who should be consulted for guidance on anything more complicated than how to base a meal on ketchup packets.
And indeed, for this reason, we haven't answered any of this mail to date, or more accurately,
I haven't answered any of this mail to date.
Management decided that I was best suited for the chore of dispensing personal advice, based on the premise that I'm the only columnist who knows how shoes work. And these letters have sat unopened in my inbox, pinned down by the enormous lack of regard I hold for our readership, until yesterday, when fate conspired to make me forget I had a column due until really late in the day.
Q: How do I get girls to like me? â Chet223
Easy. Start writing for Cracked.
Q: How do I get girls to like me? â J. Perry
Are there going to be a lot of these? FML.
-rests hands in face for 12 minutes-
Be more attractive. Handsomer, smarter, funnier, wealthier, Italian-ier; anything like that. Women love attractive men.
Q: How do I get girls to like me? â Barry H.
Holy dog anus, there are going to be a lot of these aren't there?
Honestly, this isn't that complicated fellas. Girls will like what they want to like, and can't be tricked or convinced into liking you. Look at yourself in the mirror. That's what girls see. Do you see a cool, handsome guy? No? Then why would anyone want to date you? Maybe do something until you become a cool, handsome guy.
Jesus. Enough of these. I'm going to sift through the mailbag until I find a question that isn't about how to get girls to like you.