Resolution: Spend more time with friend/family member/significant other.
Why: I dunno. Are you dying? You say you love them? Heh.
Sure fire way to succeed: Develop a shared hobby or passion. Or just handcuff yourself to them while they're sleeping for some hilarious buddy-cop comedy hijinx. If that's too out there for you, also consider the more discrete route of matching nipple piercings connected by a medium gauge chain.
Resolution: Lose weight
Why: To improve your self image, physical fitness and reduce wear and tear on your car's suspension.
Sure fire way to succeed: If I was a doctor - and there's several reasons I'm not - I'd recommend eating right and working out if you're interested in losing weight. But speaking in my non-licensed opinion I'd also suggest you look into amputations or horse-enemas.
Resolution: Quit drinking
Why: It's tearing your family apart, jeopardizing your health, and causing inadvertant internet video sensations.
Sure fire way to succeed: Remove yourself from friends and situations where you would normally drink. Befriend some Mormans, or young children. Alternately, get pregnant.
Resolution: Learn a new hobby
Why: So so much free time. Also no-one wants to hang out with you for long.
Sure fire way to succeed: Join a club. Finding like minded people with similar interests is a great way to keep your interest in a hobby from waning, so if you want to learn how to, say, swap wives with strange men in a dimly lit room, just ask some questions in the right internet forums.