I don't care what that bully told me while submerging my head in toilet water. Spirographs are cool. The ability to produce perfect geometrical patterns with my own two hands made me feel like an entity that had transcended human imperfection. That same feeling of lofty superiority can belong to your children as well! They'll spend all their time staring at a piece of graph paper as their hand moves in flawless ellipses. "No mother, I do not desire SpaghettiOs" your child will say when prompted, voice devoid of human emotion. "SpaghettiOs hold no meaning to the God of perfection."

Kinex Roller Coaster Of Death Kit

Amazon

Have you heard of the "Euthanasia Coaster?" It was a conceptual piece by an art PhD that detailed the design of a roller coaster that ended in the rider's death, but not before feelings of "euphoria." The idea is to allow the riders one last thrill before death, which comes after cerebral hypoxia brought on by the massive amount of g-force. It was merely an art piece never meant to be put into practice, but that doesn't mean there's no hope for the future. Teach your own children to become Euthanasia Coaster designers with this K'NEX roller coaster building set! Your child's creativity and sense of whimsy finally have real life applications: the design and construction of a roller coaster that executes people. Your child won't even need an expensive engineering degree, as their "totally rad" designs will invariably result in a roller coaster that kills every single one of its riders. Please submit completed deigns to the U.S Justice Department for review.

Here's the problem with babies: they're not hirsute enough. Fix your baby with this "Black Mustachifier" mustache pacifier. No longer will you spend long hours of the day staring ruefully at your baby's smooth, unforested face. "My baby's face is so smooth. It disgusts me," you've tried to explain to doctors, who were of no help. But finally, the blessed manufacturers of this product have heard your plaintive cries and thought to put a mustache on a pacifier. Now your baby will be both silent and mustachioed, removing the two most annoying features of a baby: their volume and hairlessness.

Remember that time I blew a huge gum bubble and it popped on your hair and it ruined picture day for you so you gave me a purple nurple and mom grounded us both for a week? Well, here's a cool comb!

Tire Swing Bird Feeder

Amazon

Remember that time we were playing on a tire swing and I pushed you so hard the rope broke and you tumbled down the hill stuck in the tire and by the time I reached you I was laughing so hard snot came out my nose and you were so dizzy you threw up all over my shoes? Well, here's a tire swing bird feeder.

Mouse Trap Cutting Board

Amazon

Remember that time I was five and you were three and I told you to try sticking your hand in a mousetrap, and you did? Well, here's a cutting board. Don't lose another finger!