The 2016 presidential hopefuls (or as future generations will know them, "Kanye's Opening Act") are all more of the same. Yeah, Bernie Sanders might have some nifty ideas and Donald Trump has the confidence of a peacock drinking Hennessy, but are they really cut out to be American presidents?
Immediate answer: No, they're maybe Canadian PMs at best. But thankfully we know of some under-the-radar candidates that are more than deserving of your vote. Sure, they might not have the clout now, but if "Deez Nuts" can poll up to 10 percent, then really anything can happen.
Pick out your favorite new candidates and help support their campaigns with some T-shirts and other swag at the Cracked Dispensary. The thing is, even if your candidate doesn't win, you get all the style points of repping a "vintage" failed campaign T-shirt and none of the consequences of wearing something that says "Huckabee" on it.
Name: Raven "Mystique" Darkholme
Slogan(s): "Change" and "I transformed into Jack Kennedy. You, sir, are no Jack Kennedy."
Platform: Kill all who oppose us
Stance On Key Issues: Being gender fluid herself (as well as age fluid, plus she turns into animals sometimes), Mystique stands proudly with the LGBT community. Mystique also champions women's rights and, despite carrying an unwanted pregnancy to term, advocates a woman's right to choose.
Political Role Model: Dick Cheney
Mystique is very much the Dick Cheney to Magneto's George Bush. Both she and Cheney use manipulation and persuasion to rule from the No. 2 spot, the only difference being that one is a murderous assassin that wishes death on all non-mutants, and the other is a comic book character.
Credentials: Mystique has fought alongside both The X-Men and The Brotherhood Of Mutants, so we'll say she has the capacity to reach across the aisle.
Name: Theodore Roosevelt (Rough Rider Transformer Version)
Party: Bull Moose (But It's Also A Dump Truck With Lasers) Party
Slogan: "A square deal for every bot"
Platform: Transform American Democracy
Stance On Key Issues: The most badass robotic candidate has a surprisingly diplomatic take on foreign policy: Make blockbuster hits that cast your rivals in a positive light. Roosevelt plans to appoint Michael Bay secretary of state, meaning the only thing larger than the on-screen explosions will be our numbers at the box office.
Political Role Model: Sarah Palin
You'd think Teddy would have aspired to be like his old human self. However, the Autobot version places a premium on securing petroleum for his engine. He admires Palin's creed of "drill, baby, drill," both as a political philosophy and as a rallying cry when piledriving enemy Decepticons into the earth.
Credentials: Most of eight years leading the American people and untold centuries leading the Autobots of Cybertron.
Party: Revolutionary ^2
Slogan: "They can take our lives, but they can't take our freedom!" (But then later let's take their freedom.)
Platform: Revolution courses through the blood of Chaveheart, a fusion of revolutionaries Che Guevara and William Wallace so committed to change he can't order at a drive-thru window without inspiring a fry cook uprising. Like Eli Manning under pressure, Chaveheart is bound to overthrow everything around him.
Stance On Key Issues: He's looking to dismantle the patriarchy. He's aiming to displace the 1 percent. Hell, Chaveheart's going after the 2 percent and the 3 percent and the 4 percent. And this guy's going to spread the wealth more evenly than butter on toast, even if it takes a battalion full of grown men wearing historically inaccurate kilts to do it.
Political Role Model: Mahalcolm Gandhi X
A fusion of Malcolm X and Mahatma Gandhi, Mahalcolm Gandhi X is perhaps the only leader with a record of hybrid political upheaval that Chaveheart can aspire to. Chave isn't a fan of sleeping naked with his own niece, however.
Credentials: He led the Cuban revolution and won the Scots their freedom. He's a wild, face-painted warrior and a self-proclaimed Marxist. Vote for Chaveheart if you're looking for a moderate alternative to Bernie Sanders.
Name: Abraham Lincoln But He's Best Friends With A T. Rex
Party: Grand Cretaceous Party
Slogan: "Sick save, Tyrannus!"
Platform: Abraham Lincoln is back from the dead and he's brought a T. rex with him. What more do you need?
Stance On Key Issues: Above all else, Lincoln is looking to emancipate John Wilkes Booth's head from his neck.
Political Role Model: That one Photoshop you've seen where Reagan's riding a velociraptor and dual-wielding.
Credentials: Lincoln preserved the union, put an end to slavery, and traveled forward in time. T. rex had stronger arms than you think and is eligible for office as long as his fossils end up south of the Canadian border.
Bonus: A fictional news station from a cartoon about a guy who chokes his own son. It's the most balanced election coverage airing on Fox that you're going to get.
Remember, go to the Cracked Dispensary and you can rock these shirts and more for this election season.
Forget 'morale-boosters,' we'd rather have the money.
Trends among women trigger a level of contempt that's way beyond what is deserved.
Buckle up. This article is gonna be wild.