12:17 PM EST-
Some people say that Obama is unrealistic and overly optimistic. Not so says Obama. In his address, Obama seeks only to "harness the sun." At this point, I'd say something witty and urbane about Icarus, but I don't feel like explaining it to Dan. And y'know speaking of Dan, I've been taking crap from him all week. He keeps saying he's more qualified to live blog because he's 1/8 Black. Well, Dan, let me remind you that Obama is 50% White, and I'm 100% White. So, I'm 100% like 50% of Obama whereas you are only 1/8th like 50% of Obama. Accordingly, I'm more like Obama than you, and more qualified to blog about this historic African American.
12:22 PM EST-
Wow, Gladstone, a long almost witty post that has only passing relevance to the events. It's almost like you prepared this in advance. It's cool, though, I'm sure thinking on your feet gets tough at your age. Walking on your feet, too. Also, keeping all your hair and not dying. All difficult for you.
12:26 PM EST-
Wow. Itâs amazing the kind of hope and passion for economic recovery 150,000,000 dollars will buy you.
Meanwhile, Iâm still stuck on the harnessing the sun line.
Now THEREâS some super-science I can stand behind. Fuck Kennedyâs moon landing shit. Weâre going to literally RIDE THE SUN LIKE A HORSE. Godspeed, you doomed astronauts.
Dan: how come your nametag gets a drop shadow? What a gyp. And yes, Cracked fans, I am referring to filthy, thieving gypsies.
Obama: âItâs not the size of your GDP, itâs how you extend it.â (holds hands about fifteen inches apart, winks).
Threatening terrorists. Never a risky PR move. Maybe thatâs why Bush used that tactic exclusively for 6 years.
12:30 PM EST-
Swaim: Drop shadows are for closers. You've got to earn
12:32 PM EST-
I'm supposed to respond to Swaim right now, but I'm currently hearing the worst poem ever written and it's distracting me. Something poetic about "boom boxes." In any event, I'm supposed to respond, but Swaim riffed on my pre-existing sun reference, so I'm afraid that would be too self-referential and masturbatory. (Better left to Ross Wolinsky -- oh , you don't like that Ross? Well if it's not true, just leave a blog post right here! No? That's what I thought!)
12:32 PM EST-
What about âwhen albino will tame a rhino?â Iâd like to see that.
Itâs awesome to me that they had to put choir together just to match the vocal intensity of Aretha Franklin. Womanâs a legend.
Spotted Gore in the audience. Remember him? He had that movie. Heat
, I think it was.
12:33 PM EST-
I half-expected Obama to pull his hand away at the last second before shaking Bushâs. I donât think anyone would begrudge him a âBOOM!â either.
I love that the commentators donât dare speak over anything except the poet recitation. We donât care about the poem, and they absolutely know it. Welcome to America. Party Game: imagine the poem is describing your penis.
âwe walk into that we cannot yet see.â
âwe are spiny or smooth.â
âwe built the glistening edifices we would later work inside of.â
âsome live by love, others by âdo no harm.ââ
12:38 PM EST-
Hey, Barack's been president for like 12 minutes now and I'm still broke. What the fuck? I'm broke, and gas is expensive, we're still at war. I thought Barack was supposed to bring change.
And did you guys know his middle name is Hussein?
Are we positive this is the guy we want to put in charge of America Inc? He barely looks like he knows
the Star Spangled Banner.
12:46 PM EST-
Dan, to be fair, I donât know the Star Spangled Banner, and I was born when a baseball fucked an apple pie. So as things wind down, let us remember some simple facts:
Most of the people in the crowd bolted as soon as the second prayer started.
Clinton clearly fell asleep at one point.
I may be broke, but Iâm typing this on a computer with a broadband Internet connection while Obamaâs brother is probably listening to it on a communal radio in his shanty town. Also, Iâll be buying a bunch of Lotto tickets later.
The more things change, the more we get fat and watch Scrubs. YES. WE. CAN!
12:48 PM EST-
So, I'm watching Fox New's coverage bc only HULU's feed seems to be working for me. And according to Fox News there were no phrases from this speech which will ring through history. Fox is now concentrating on how Barack's goal is to reach out to the Muslim world. Speaking of conservatives who seemd intent in portraying Obama poorly, did anyone notice during the oath how Chief Justice Roberts said "so help you God?" with just a touch of doubt -- like "are you sure you love Jesus? No, really?"
12:55 PM EST-
Well, that's all. Barack is the president, the crowd is chanting, though I don't think any two people are chanting the same thing, and all of America had to sit through the shittiest poem I've ever heard. I wonder, of all the people in that crowd, how many of them pissed themselves because it was easier than trying to find a bathroom. And Barack is taking Bush to his helicopter. Sarah Palin would be kicking herself at home, if I hadn't put her in a sex coma in the middle of Obama's speech. George Bush is no longer the president of the United States of America.
George Bush is no longer the President. It's kind of important to me that I get to say that twice. In 2004, my friend Marne gave me "America: The Book" and wrote the inscription inside: "If we laugh about it, we can make it to 2009." And here we are.
1:01 PM EST-
According to tradition, the exiting President leaves a letter in his desk for the incoming President. A letter of advice, filled with Presidential lessons learned from the preceding years. Personally, I'm hoping Bush also left Obama an eraser.
G-Stone is the ruggedly handsome creator and host of HBN. He's the oldest Cracked blogger and not coincidentally the only Cracked blogger whose avatar is hand-drawn.
Michael writes here, hosts Cracked TV
, and is the head writer for the comedy troupe Those Aren't Muskets!
He also does a lot of other stuff, but it's not as directly applicable to the Internet.
Daniel O'Brien is Cracked's most decorated, and modest
columnist. He might be Spider Man.
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