8:52 PMRoss Wolinsky - (tap, tap) Is this thing on?
8:58 PMJack O'Brien - Quick note if an entire sentence is in ALL CAPS, that's a direct trancsript from the debate
8:58 PMJack O'Brien - Or at least our best guess
8:58 PMJack O'Brien - OK, live blog's LIVE
8:59 PMMichael Swaim - Sorry I'm late. I was letting the audience stew for a while, to build anticipation. Like a rock star.
9:00 PMDan O'Brien - Thanks for the tips, Jackawanna County.
9:00 PMRoss Wolinsky - I'm eating a steak right now.
9:00 PMMichael Swaim - Except I have it on good authority that rock stars are usually just masturbating backstage, whereas I was standing a few feet from my computer writing that joke.
9:00 PMRoss Wolinsky - It will give me the quick energy I need to analyze political discourse.
9:01 PMMichael Swaim - THe political discourse our candidates are GUARANTEED to dish out. It CAN'T be boring; it's around a TABLE this time.
9:01 PMDan O'Brien - My Buddy, Joe, is at this debate. Look for a remarkably tall, Asian dude. He'll probably be very well dressed, possibly sitting next to Rosario Dawson.
9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - I'd like to address something right up front: A comment from someone named "Blake":
"I dont know why you guys do this. Your unfunny, infantile and immature and this debate is not a laughing matter. Your insukts towards these presidential candidates are reprehensible and I honestly hope that you guys wise up and pay attention to these issuesâ¦ or do I???"
9:02 PMDan O'Brien - Should we stop?
9:02 PMMichael Swaim - I swear, you've got to watch this thing online. They have all kinds of crazy dance music before the debate.
9:02 PMMichael Swaim - And pop up ads.
9:02 PMMichael Swaim - Also, f**k Blake. Moving on.
9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - Yeah. Sorry guys, liveblog is canceled.
9:02 PMRoss Wolinsky - Thank Blake.
9:02 PMMichael Swaim - 9 minute segments? 2 minute rebuttals? This is already way over my head.
9:02 PMDan O'Brien - Blake the Snake.
9:03 PMDan O'Brien - EZ Blake Oven.
9:03 PMRoss Wolinsky - Dump The Body In The Blake.
9:03 PMRoss Wolinsky - Don't go in the Blake. Fish piss in him.
9:03 PMDan O'Brien - Blake the leaves before your father gets home.
9:04 PMDan O'Brien - Or he'll blake your neck.
9:04 PMMichael Swaim - Obama: "Trouble in Wall Street? No, I did NOT know that. Huh. That's...I'll have to look into that. f**k."
9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - Dan: We have to stop playing your wacky name game. There's political stuff happening.
9:04 PMRoss Wolinsky - For starters, something is wrong with Nancy Reagan.
9:04 PMMichael Swaim - He's already pulling the "pray for Nancy Reagan" card.
9:04 PMMichael Swaim - He must be in a tight spot
9:04 PMHbn Gladstone - oh here we go
9:04 PMHbn Gladstone - Hi
9:04 PMDan O'Brien - McCain was asked why his plan is better, and he's not saying it.
9:05 PMMichael Swaim - Wow, i totally didn't even notice you weren't here. I wonder what that means.
9:05 PMRoss Wolinsky - It goes without saying: Because he is older and whiter.
9:05 PMDan O'Brien - "McCain why is your plan better than Obama's?" "Say, did you hear about Nancy Reagan?"
9:05 PMRoss Wolinsky - Speaking of older and whiter, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gladstone!
9:05 PMMichael Swaim - Of course it'll collapse without a floor. That's just basic carpentry fact.
9:05 PMHbn Gladstone - BTW, i lied on the blog. I'm not just drinking expensive scotch tonight
9:05 PMDan O'Brien - Unless Obama's plan somehow put Nancy Reagan in the hospital.
9:06 PMHbn Gladstone - I'm going to drink something cheaper: unicorn tears in a faberge egg goblet.
9:06 PMRoss Wolinsky - Obama did NOT express worry about Nancy Reagan. I guess I'm voting McCain after all.
9:24 PMDan O'Brien - "Teachers, Environmentalists, at least one plumber, people who enjoy torture- They all hate me."
9:24 PMMichael Swaim - It's nice to know the people running for office also think it's a sinkhole of fathomless bullshit.
9:24 PMHbn Gladstone - McCain got his scars from Republicans??? That is news to me.
9:24 PMHbn Gladstone - I thought the scars came from
9:24 PMRoss Wolinsky - Here's a hard-hitting question that has not been addressed: What do each of these candidates smell like?
9:24 PMHbn Gladstone - Vietnemese
9:25 PMHbn Gladstone - Cancer
9:25 PMMichael Swaim - Hatchet scars or scalpel scars? Big difference.
9:25 PMHbn Gladstone - and Ross.
9:25 PMRoss Wolinsky - What do you call Palin? That's a tumor that, once removed, will leaYve a nasty scar.
9:25 PMDan O'Brien - And a trail of slime.
9:25 PMMichael Swaim - Hey, you boned her a week ago, if you'll recall. At least by digital proxy.
9:25 PMRoss Wolinsky - I believe you're thinking of Slimer, Dan.
9:25 PMDan O'Brien - Oh, good, we're talking about their Campaign Ads. How important for the future of this nation.
9:26 PMRoss Wolinsky - Very similar, but Slimer's latest child was not retarded.
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - Has there EVER been a campaign that didn't turn nasty? I think FDR's opponent called him a "doddering old f*g."
9:26 PMDan O'Brien - How f*****g important. I want a president who's wise enough to make catchy commercials.
9:26 PMJack O'Brien - BS: BOTH OF YOU PLEDGED TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD IN THIS CAMPAIGN YET IT HAS TURNED VERY NASTY...
9:26 PMMichael Swaim - McCain: "tough campaign...not quite as tough as my campaign in VIETNAM. COME ON!"
9:26 PMHbn Gladstone - Segregation is the worst aspect in American history?
9:27 PMHbn Gladstone - Does it top slavery?
9:27 PMDan O'Brien - McCain: "This campaign might sound dirty to YOU, but that's only because you haven't spend time in a two foot by four foot cage in Vietnam. Talk about dirty. f*****g TALK ABOUT DIRTY!"
9:27 PMMichael Swaim - If he had even one outburst like that, I think I'd have to question my severe liberal bias.
9:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - They should have a torture-off. I bet Obama could take more.
9:28 PMDan O'Brien - Then they should have a cancer off.
9:28 PMMichael Swaim - Obama's got the aloof, but slightly sarcastic smirk DOWN.
9:28 PMRoss Wolinsky - Yes - and torture each other with the ribbons.
9:31 PMRoss Wolinsky - This is Def Poetry Election.
9:31 PMMichael Swaim - All they ever do is talk s**t about each other and then complain about the s**t being talked. This is like running on a hamster wheel.
9:32 PMMichael Swaim - Which reminds me of foreign policy.
9:32 PMMichael Swaim - SEGUE!
9:33 PMDan O'Brien - Obama just called us cynical.
9:33 PMDan O'Brien - Typical political bullshit.
9:33 PMMichael Swaim - Sarcastic chuckling is like one of the cornerstones of a Presidential campaign.
9:33 PMDan O'Brien - And then he said "Tit."
9:33 PMRoss Wolinsky - do you guys see the "PWND!!!" sign over McCains head right now?
9:33 PMHbn Gladstone - Obama just came off so cool.
9:33 PMRoss Wolinsky - That was awesome.
9:33 PMRoss Wolinsky - HE GANGSTA!
9:33 PMDan O'Brien - McCain says he's proud of the people who comes to his rallies.
9:33 PMDan O'Brien - It should be stated that his rally crowd just booed him last week.
9:34 PMMichael Swaim - "Follow up question: DO YOU pal around with terrorists?"
9:34 PMDan O'Brien - "I find not-taking-my-bullshit to be quite an admirable quality."
9:34 PMMichael Swaim - "DO YOU?!"
9:34 PMDan O'Brien - "You guys are the real heroes."
9:34 PMHbn Gladstone - What Barack just say?
9:34 PMDan O'Brien - "I didn't say those statements..."
9:34 PMMichael Swaim - Wow, he spun Barack defending himself into an attack on war heroes.
9:35 PMRoss Wolinsky - Gladstone - go drink a big glass of water, take some aspirin and go to bed.
9:35 PMMichael Swaim - That's like when I used to hit my brother in the arm and then get him sent to his room.
9:35 PMMichael Swaim - Gladstone--f**k Ross. Drink a handle of gin, put on fingerless mittens, and hack at the keyboard wildly.
9:36 PMRoss Wolinsky - Do it for Blake.
9:36 PMRoss Wolinsky - Blake would want it this way.
9:36 PMMichael Swaim - The Blakehouse.
9:36 PMDan O'Brien - This is a new level. The question was about Campaign Ads, and McCain didn't talk about that, (he talked about rallies). And OBAMA is addressing a NEW issue. He's avoiding an issue that itself is an evasion of an issue.
9:36 PMDan O'Brien - With Sandra Bullake?
9:36 PMMichael Swaim - The answer is usually four to five logical steps away from the question.
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - Allow me to demonstrate: "What is two plus two?" "Ducks have bills."
9:37 PMRoss Wolinsky - You know what's an excellent, filling breakfast? Blake and eggs.
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - Put a suit on that and send it out on the campaign trail.
9:37 PMDan O'Brien - More excellent than Blakon?
9:37 PMMichael Swaim - Oops, Obama gave away his age. That's never good. You want that Tiger Beat voting block.
9:38 PMRoss Wolinsky - Mike, you mean Gladstone's Facebook friends?