Cracked Entertainment Corner!!!!11!!

cashdead.gifSince the regular author of Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!! is on vacation, I've decided to fill you in on a topic that is just as important, and probably has more truth to it than all those wishy-washy science "theories" like "man evolved from apes" or "Ron Paul did 9/11"---I'm speaking, of course, of the wonderful world of entertainment news! I Am Cellphone Man: Black Sabbath frontman and noted pooper-scooper Ozzy Osbourne has finally entered the 21st century, receiving his first cellphone at the age of 59. However, daughter Kelly isn't so thrilled:
He never had a mobile before and I f**king hate it. He calls me all the time. I was out having dinner with my friends the other night and he called me and said, 'I've just got to tell you. I've been listening to your album. It's really good. I don't know why it didn't do so well.
When asked about the compliment later, Osborne noted that he was pretty sure he had been speaking to Beethoven.
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Guess They'll Have to Make Do with Buttsex: Forty years ago this month, Johnny Cash performed at Folsom Prison, and the result was an iconic moment in popular music history. An attempt to recreate the classic performance on its anniversary has been canceled, however, much to the disappointment of the show's promoter and prison inmates:
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Prison officials called off the show late Monday, citing problems over filming rights, media access and security concerns... The show, which would have been streamed worldwide over the Internet, was to have been underwritten by four nonprofit groups that were to share the venture's profit.
Although concert planners initially believed that the security and copyright issues could be resolved, they were forced to concede that the show had to be scrapped when they received the devastating news last week that Johnny Cash died in 2003.
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The Mama and the Poppers: When Kate Moss, supermodel and primary export partner of the nation of Colombia, was unable to find a baby-sitter for her 5-year-old daughter on New Years' Eve, she did what any caring parent would---took the kid clubbing in Thailand:
A source tells New York gossip column PageSix, "Kate was dancing around with Lila, and they were sipping champagne until well past midnight. But Kate was definitely being a mom. She was with her daughter the whole time."
When asked to describe ways in which she demonstrated her mothering skills, Moss noted that she made sure her daughter followed three simple rules for staying safe:
  • Liquor before beer, never fear
  • I don't care what Jamie Lynn said, Red Bull is not a contraceptive; and
  • No matter how pretty the lady is, don't snort anything off her penis
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