But we're talking about you here, buddy. So first the show got canceled and now it turns out, as of last week, several staff members were let go and your magazine was reduced to a quarterly printing. I couldn't believe it. I'm sitting there at my desk just thinking,
"Your obsession with pop culture makes me want to take my pants off." We tell them to back off once in a while, but they won't be reasoned with. I mean, it's tough enough updating our site every day, so what, are we supposed to update their vaginas every day, too? With dick? But this is about you. And I'm sorry again, about all your recent setbacks. And sorry it's taken me a week to reach out (though, in fairness to me, we're installing a waterslide on the roof of the building. These things take time). But, rest assured, Cracked is here for you. We used to have a magazine, remember? This is what my desk used to look like (before it was sitting on the side of a jacuzzi filled with naked, ethnically diverse women):
See? We know what it's like to have a magazine canceled, so we're in the same boat. ... Okay, not really in the "same boat," necessarily, because we're doing extremely well. Our magazine tanking was, at most, an aggravating detail; we still had our awesome site after all. You guys, on the other hand, have nothing but the magazine. So, I guess our boats have very little in common.
Still, we're certainly the guys to talk to if you're looking for advice. No one knows better than we do how to bounce back from a magazine crash. Though it's highly unlikely that you'll ever enjoy the same kind of internet success that
Yeah. That sounds more like us. But, hey, this is about you guys, am I right? You know what might help you bounce back? Make a humor website that... Oh, I see you've already got a website, so let me just check it out here. ... Huh. I gotta say, and I mean this with all due respect, but that is honestly one of the worst websites I've ever seen in my life. And it's not like you weren't warned. Several months ago, Cracked's most dangerous columnist, Chris Bucholz, pointed out how your little website was suspiciously devoid of any piece of actual new content, but you still didn't update it. Really? Really? Look, I know you still love magazines and the Internet probably seems like a big and scary place to you, but
Hey, do you guys need some money, or something? I feel awful, because I just have so much money and you guys... Seriously, do you want, like gas money, or a hot meal or something? Jesus. I wanted to cheer you up and instead I reminded you what a pale imitation of your former self you are. Gosh, I feel like such a horse's ass. (Oh, Horse, that reminds me: I'm buying horses for all the interns. Because that's where we're at. Cracked has
Whose job is it to solve crimes?
There is much to show you.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
The most unrealistic thing about fictional villains is that they don't get arrested until the plot calls for it.