Cooking with Terrible Horror Movies: The Perfect Omelet

Life in my 20s was all about two things: Hilariously s****y horror movies, and soul-crushing poverty. Since I didn't know s**t about cooking back then, but eating out required access to grown-up money, I was always on the lookout for meals that didn't cost much, filled me up, and could be prepared by a lower primate in the middle of some kind of stroke. Box macaroni and cheese? Too difficult. It would end up as either tiny macaroni shaped crackers in gritty cheese liquid, or else shapeless mush in orange milkwater. Ramen? Maayybeeee. Actually cooking it was a gamble, but you could always just eat it dry with the seasoning packet poured on top, hunched over the sink, moisturizing with your own tears as needed.

Omelets? f**k you. What is this, the f*****g Sorbonne? I don't even know what that is! (Clearly I assume some sort of fancy cooking school). Obviously an omelet is way beyond my pathetic level of expertise.

Then one day I had a revelation: I could find tons of brilliant recipes for the semi-retarded cook on a budget...right here in my beloved s****y horror movies! Today's lesson comes to us thanks to LL Cool J, via his shocking yet beautiful portrayal of Sassy Black Chef Archetype #2 in the classic 1999 hit Deep Blue Sea. LL Cool J and Deep Blue Sea teach us both how to make the perfect omelet, and also how to fend off the advance of super-intelligent murder-sharks. Fortunately, those are two very good skill-sets to have. Unfortunately, due to the way the movie presents this information, it is impossible to separate the two. But hey, if money is tight right now, you've hungry, you've got a few eggs sitting around, and you're trying to escape an experimental research station sinking into the sea while sharks with genetically engineered mega-brains stalk you through the water-filled catwalks, well then have I got a recipe for you!

So there you go. As you can see, making the perfect omelet while stopping the murder-sharks mad march on mankind isn't all that hard in reality, but it's one of those things everybody thinks only an expert can do. As a poor, hungry bachelor who enjoys s****y horror movies, you'll find that you can now not only make a cheap and delicious meal, but also a good impression on any lady friends that may stay for the night.*

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*WARNING: Lady friends will almost certainly be devoured by murder-sharks or callously detonated by ricocheting dynamite spear-guns. This is the price of the recipe. It is what the omelet demands.

You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook. Or you can donate to the Save Brockway's (Metaphorical) Balls fund! It's not exactly a worthy cause, but hey - you spend your time reading the footer text after Cracked articles; you don't give a s**t!

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