"Such strange creatures to create beauty out of repeated use of the word 'dong.' You shall be spared." But after a careful review of my writings and the recent ad campaign, I'm sad to say that none of my critiques of Domino's pizza were aired. I consider this a missed opportunity for Domino's, as Chris Bucholz: Man of Letters (Angry, Spittle-flecked) will be sure to be a best seller in coming years, and the chance to have a future space-Pulitzer winning author write for their ad campaign shouldn't have been passed up lightly. To pick up the ball which Domino's Pizza has so carelessly dropped, I've decided to reprint below a selection of some of the highlights of my correspondence with them. Although I use the term "correspondence" lightly, as not once did Domino's reply to me, unless you count "by making their pizzas worse," which I don't. __________ Hello Domino's, My friend and I ordered a pepperoni classic today and when it arrived we found it to be incredibly chewy. He said it was because your dough isn't kneaded enough, but I suggested it was because the pizza was made entirely out of condoms. Can you settle that bet for us? Chris Bucholz ______ Hey Domino's, Here's a thought: How about using ingredients which impart flavor? Like basil? Or salt? Jesus Christ, people. Making a crust entirely out of flour and children's tears is commendable for its economy, but I think you might be missing pizza's whole raison d'ÃÂªtre: It is for being tasty. Chris Bucholz _________
Also, your delivery cars have the incorrect number of wheels. _______ Dear Domino's, Your pizza tastes like the bottom of a hamster cage, if that hamster's girlfriend had left him and he'd gotten kind of sloppy about taking care of himself. Chris Bucholz _________ Domino's, Your pizza tastes like a fart made it with a pulp mill. Chris Bucholz ______ Dear Domino's That's it. I've had enough of this post-pizza rolling on the floor holding my ass. I will run you over. I will find out who is reading this letter (You are. It's you.) and I will run you over with a car. Don't think I'm serious? I AM WRITING THIS IN MY CAR. That is how not fucking around right now I am. I am writing this on my steering wheel and it is honking every time I write a letter and now the police are coming and I will have to cut this short. OK, they're gone. Die-HONK-Die-Die-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-Die-Die-Die Chris Bucholz _______
"Child's torso stuffed crust pizza" was a terrible idea and you should be ashamed. _______ Dear Domino's Did you know that the security at your corporate headquarters conduct rounds of the building every hour on the hour? And that there are no security cameras that can see the load bearing walls on the southern facing quadrant? Just thought you'd be curious. X ________ Dear Domino's YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE. Apparently my company's HR policy has rules about how much ammonia fertilizer we can keep under our desks. So now guess who's out of a job? Hint: It's the same guy who's girlfriend just left him because he keeps ordering Domino's Pizza and swearing on the toilet. Chris P.S. It's me. I am the one who is fired. _____ Dear Domino's Your pizza still tastes like a terrorist attacking an enema factory. But that's not why I'm writing you. I'm writing to tell you that your hour of judgment is at hand. I've got a sweet gig writing for a huge magazine - you'll have heard of it, it's name begins with "Cracked." I am going to use my platform at this media behemoth to destroy you and everything you hold dear. No more firing rocks at your parking lot from a tree mounted slingshot a block away. Just the simple life of an honest demagogue for me. Welcome to hell. XOX Chris Bucholz P.S. I also get to sleep under my desk. Things have finally started to turn up for Bucholz. _______ Dear Domino's So it turns out our magazine went under when no one bought it. My editors worry that it was my 4,000 word treatises on how man should cast off the shackles that bind him and tear Domino's employees to shreds with their hands and feet, that were "a little hard to digest." Fortunately our website is doing OK. I've been told I have to stick to writing lists about He-Man's outfits until I learn discipline. It will probably be a couple years before I can rend the flesh from your bones with a satirical article, but rest assured I will never forget what you did to me or my bowels. Your day of reckoning will come. In closing, I hope your children disappoint you. Chris Bucholz _________
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.