NAMELESS GIRL BABY
Mommy, I can't find my pony toy, have you seen it?
KATE
OK, you're getting a little obsessive-ish... Stop melting down, I've got to go save the world.
And then Kate proceeds to stand in front of her sink pretending to wash a single dish for a while before disappearing for the rest of the afternoon. And the world was safe for another day. In another moment, Jon is in the backyard with his dogs and children, cleaning up dog poop."This is the story of my life," Jon says, his voice coated with misery and regret, "cleaning up other people's crap."
I've never seen two parents more blatant about their total resentment for their children. The show is compelling if for no other reason than because you want to make sure the kids make it out of the season.
Conclusion:
This is pretty depressing as far as entertainment goes, but I can see it functioning as a useful experiment, a time capsule for eight children who can one day look back on the show as evidence of how much their parents despised them. When these poor kids grow up and wonder why they're so maladjusted, they'll be able to look back on
Jon and Kate Plus 8 and say "Oh, OK,
that's
why I have a difficult time making meaningful connections with other human beings: my parents treated me like a petulant piece of furniture that they begrudgingly had to feed from time to time."
The Cougar
In a Sentence:
A Cougar, by which I mean an older woman who preys on younger men, has massive amounts of sex with a bunch of 20-somethings all competing for her affection.
Starring:
I don't know, who gives a shit?
The Show:
It's a reality show about a mildly attractive 40-year-old woman who has a dozen or so younger men who all inexplicably want to settle down in their early 20s and raise her three children.
The show focuses on her sexually-charged method of whittling down this list of 20-somethings. By the season finale, Stacey, the cougar in question, has already boned to the point of exhaustion her last two suitors, Colt and Jimmy, and everyone's cool with that, but
then... You see, after the potential suitors meet Stacey's kids, they...It... I'm sorry, I really need to get something off my chest.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I thought this was going to be about an actual cougar.
I apologize for the repetition, but I wanted to be absolutely clear about my title-based assumptions going into this show.
Batman is about a man who dresses up as a bat,
Murphy Brown is about an asexual robot coated in leather (whose slave name is Murphy Brown), so
The Cougar should've been about a live goddamned claw-having, goddamned man-eating, goddamned cougar and that's all there is to it. How the hell am I supposed to watch some sexually indiscriminate lunatic ruin her children when visions of a
cougar-hosted talk show dance in my imagination?
But, you know, it doesn't even need to BE a talk show, it could've been anything, and as long as a real cougar was front and center, the show would be a hit. They could've even kept
their stupid premise, for all I care, I would have
gladly watched a show that was about a dozen 20-year-old dudes taking turns trying to fuck a live cougar.
Who wouldn't watch that show?!?! Week after week they would try and fail and
I would love every second of it.
Conclusion:
Somebody greenlight competitive cougar fucking dammit!
Daniel O'Brien
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