It's no mystery that our economy is in trouble. The financial upheavals caused by lazy poor people have affected all of us, even me. In fact, especially me. Why just this week, for the first time in years, I was reduced to snorting cocaine off of an average-class hooker's ass. I felt so defiled afterward I puked Goldschlager all over the console of my private plane, Air Force Fun.
But, as always, I must remain stalwart, and keep a cool head about me. I'm not the type to jump to conclusions. Therefore, you should understand how serious I am when I say that after reading this article about the widening gap between the rich and poor worldwide, I am officially predicting a violent class war that will leave millions dead. Not thousands. Millions. LOOK AT THESE CHARTS.
Statistics are like these hips; they don't lie. Thatâs why Iâve put together this little guide, to help the only people in the world I give a damn about: my readers. You guys. My Mom? Fuck my Mom. But then she started reading my blog, so weâre cool again. So listen up Mommy, or end up dead in a gutter with your skull collapsed by a gold brick.
Also, are you making ham for Thanksgiving? You really should.
HOW TO NOT DIE WHEN THE GOVERNMENTS OF THE WORLD COLLAPSE
The first thing to determine when taking part in a bloody class war is which class you belong to. Remember, the middle class has been dissolved, either through greed and failed economic policy, or in vats of acid. Class wars arenât some bullshit sport like soccer: there are two teams, and two teams only. The rich. And the poor.
Which are you? Use this simple quiz to find out!
1. An animal head in your house is likely to be:
2. Your preferred mode of transport involves:
a) Complimentary massage.
b) Wrapping more newspaper around your stumps.
3. Quick! Look in your wallet!
a) I canât; I have a man who carries my wallet, and heâs in the other wing.
b) I canât; I sold it to help with the childrensâ college funds, but then, having nowhere to put the money, bought gin instead.
4. If you were a tree, what kind would you be?
a) The kind that drives an Astin Martin Vanquish.
b) The Christmas Tree from
A Charlie Brown Christmas
5. How would your broker most likely describe you?
b) âWho are you? Get away from me. Jesus, you stink
If you answered âaâ a majority of times, congratulations! Youâre rich. You will be targeted by thousands upon thousands of desperate, lonely people who want to take your wealth away by any means necessary.
If you answered âbâ a majority of times, or stopped reading the questions due to illiteracy, you are likely poor. You should immediately acquire a copy of The Communist Manifesto
and a mop handle.
Now that youâve determined what side youâll be representing in the Peopleâs Glorious Revolution, itâs time to prepare yourself for the coming bloodbath. Follow a few of my simple, common sense tips and youâll stand a good chance of making it to the next
Peopleâs Glorious Revolution in one piece (six at most).
And remember: If youâre poor, only read the poor section. If youâre rich, only read the rich section. I donât want any nosy nellies ruining the class war for me.