âHelp,â you scream, as the leaves swat at your open mouth âhelp me, Robocop!â
âMy nameâs David,â the man snaps back from the open stairway.
, Johnny 5, just shoot the god damn plant.â
âNo,â he answers, his voice quavering, âyouâre really mean and I donât like you and Iâm going home.â
You inhale deeply, preparing to scream the loudest obscenity possible, cycling through your mental rolodex of robot-based epithets, but the plant has already sealed over your mouth.
"Suck my dick, Bicentennial Man!"
As it drags you to the ground, you see Davidâs ship ascending and quickly disappearing out of sight. A twig snaps to your left, and just before the vines entwine over your eyes, you see a caveful of monkeys â not a one so much as singed â watching in grim resignation as you are devoured.
Huh. You just kind of assumed that firing wildly into a darkened cave like that, youâd hit
The vines flap frantically about your face and jaw. You rear your head back, open your mouth, and tear a bite out of the leaf nearest you. The whole plant recoils in pain.
âMy mother always told me,â you say, quietly furious that you canât reach your sunglasses, âto eat my vegetables.â
You seize mouthful after mouthful of the attacking plant, until finally it begins to withdraw.
"Yeah! Who's the plant now...uh, plant?"
But you ain't having none of that; you pounce on the cowering shrubbery and devour every inch, down to the stump. Then you turn and spitefully vomit the partially digested mess back onto the root system, because vegetables are for hippies and gross foreigners.
Across the meadow, a group of stunned human soldiers in full battle gear are watching slack-jawed. You confidently stride over to your fallen weapon, grasp it, and raise it over your head as you face the assembled crowd.
âWell come on, you bastards,â you bellow, âdo you really want to live forever!?â
With a supportive scream they follow your charge, firing wildly into the density of the jungle. A battle is a pure, whole, and simple thing; a battle is something you know how to do. As the animals die wetly beneath your feet, you have a feeling you will like this new future.