Page 4You arrive at Benjamin Bearâs (trusty neighborhood narcotics facilitator and extremely prolific plushy) house full of piss and vinegar. But thatâs another story; youâre also pretty mad. You bang on his door with all the righteous indignation you can muster. Youâre not sure how to manifest righteous indignation in a knock. You opt for using your elbow, and to knock roughly to the beat of Queenâs âAnother One Bites the Dust.â Bum badum badum badadada dum de dum de dum- âHoly motherfuck, would you stop already?âA friendly teddy bear smiles at you from the open doorway.
A teddy bear! Time for hugs!His tone of voice sounds a little more agitated than you would expect from an ursine cartoon, and his ear-to-ear grin strangely doesnât move when he speaks. Also, youâre pretty sure amiable animated animals (alliteration is awesome!) donât say the word "motherfuck," nor speak with an East Puerto Rican accent. âYou interrupted my jam, bear!â âWhat the hell do you want?â The bear asks a good question. He looks huggable too - you better answer if you want any of those. If you demand your money back for the pills that were supposed to help you concentrate, but instead caused you jerry-rig flamethrowers onto the Pizza Time Theater Band, turn to page 5. If you demand your money back for the pills that were supposed to help you achieve a state of serene relaxation, but instead caused you to face-fuck the Virgin Mary in front of 700 people during Sunday Mass, turn to page 5.
Page 5âI want my fucking money back, bear!â âDo I look like an assholing Wal-Mart, cabron?â âNo, you look like my imaginary friend Mr. Buggles, but that only gets you so far! You sold me drugs that were hilariously fun but rather inappropriate for the utilitarian purposes that I wanted to use them for!â âI donât sell utility drugs, Holmes. You came by last night asking for eight Mephedrone, four tabs of X, 17 reams of Buzzers, three Round-outs, a can of Raid with a drinking straw, and the venom sack from a North African Running Lizard. And thatâs what I gave you, because I am the best goddamn drug dealer in the entire country.â
Seriously, the guy can find anything: Century old brandy, fingerprint ink, a Walkman, a Frankenstein/vampire hybrid...âShit, you know I canât stay mad at you, Mr. Buggles. But you got me fired from two jobs and I can't be sure, but Iâm pretty positive that I need vengeance.â âListen, man, Iâm sorry to hear that. Youâre my best customer. In fact, these days youâre the only customer I have time for, and business has literally never been better. Youâre a fucking wreck and youâre gonna die in a week, but youâre single-handedly sending my kids through private school. So let me make this up to you, hey? I got something special this morning. â The bear motions you inside. If you turn and run, taking this rather disturbing turn of events to mean that you have hit rock bottom and must seek help, turn to page 6. If you follow the dangerous criminal dressed in a filthy bear suit into his dimly lit, relatively isolated and soundproof home to take some kind of mystery drug, turn to page 7.