couldn't jump to save his life.
CB: Well in the accepted canon, he can jump a lot higher and further than you. Though not in this game, I think. I think in this game he's just got different pants.
M: This is a game?
CB: Yeah. We're just going to run off here and score some points and save the princess.
M: You sound like you know what you're doing. You've played this game before then... ow!... I take it?
CB: Yeah, but it's been like 15 years. Just doing it now for work.
M: Bustin' your hump for the man. I hear that. Hey what's that? That flowery thing. It looks tasty. I totally want to eat that.
CB: You will definitely like this.
M: Oh rad! Ha ha hahhahahahhahah! Pop pop pop! Take that you little pricks!
CB: Told ya.
M: Pop! Pop! Pop pop! Hahahahahah!
M: Whoa. Did you just kill a turtle? Not cool dude. He looked scared. I could have just jumped over him.
CB: Uh-huh. Or maybe you could have run around him?
M: What's "around" mean?
CB: Nothing. Just checking something.
M: OwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOwOw. Fucker! So what's the deal again with all these coins I'm getting?
CB: If we collect a hundred of them, you get an extra life.
M: Cool. Very cool. Followup question: Why would I need an extra life?
M: Hmm what?
CB: Hey, check out that flag!
M: Oh cool!
M: So these blue guys are just like before, except now they're blue.
CB: Yeah, exactly the same. We're dealing with a pretty limited palette I'm afraid.
M: Oh! Careful! Watch the turtle! OW OW OW OW OW OW!
CB: Shit. Sorry dude.
M: You fucking dumbass! That really hurt! And now I'm tiny again? How does that work?
CB: It's cool. I'll be careful.
M: Oh you'll be better than careful. You're going to murder every turtle you see from now on. I mean it. Turtle holocaust. Go.
CB: Hey, how do you feel about warping?
M: I don't know what that means.
CB: It means we get to skip a bunch of levels. Beat the game faster.
M: Will we bypass any turtles?
CB: Oh yeah. Bunches of them.
M: No deal. Those guys have to go.
CB: OK, no warping. Let's do this old school.
M: Old school!
M: Jesus Christ, where did all this lava come from? How deep do these pipes go?
CB: This is a boss level. They like lava. It's kind of a cliche now, but this was pretty cutting edge in 1985. I guess lava is more intimidating?
M: Damn right it's more intimidating. Careful!
CB: Relax, this is an easy one. I haven't even died yet.
M: No, seriously, what did you just say?
CB: Can't talk now.
M: Whoa! Look at the size of that bastard! Let's jump on him!
CB: Not a good plan.
M: Holy shit! He's shooooooooting at us!
CB: Hang on.
M: Don't land on that axe! That's gonna kill! Hey. What just happened?
CB: You won dude. Congrats.
CB: Now run in there and meet the princess!
M: Who's this little turd?
CB: Heh heh heh heh heh.
M: Oh you bastard.
M: What the hell happened? I was falling into a bottomless pit and now I'm back out here.
CB: Oh, so you can remember what happened. I was wondering about that.
M: Did I... die?
CB: Total accident dude. Sorry. Did that hurt?
M: Physically? No. I don't think so. But that was terrifying. Like my brain was just sundered in two. It feels like I'm still screaming. Like I'll never stop screaming.
CB: Bummer dude. Well, we've got three lives left. Let's go.
M: What? Wait! We're going to keep going?
CB: Can't turn back. See?
M: Wow. Where'd everything behind us go?
CB: Excellent question.
CB: Oh, I remember this bit.
M: What bit?
CB: Hang on. We can get a whole bunch of extra lives here.
M: Yes I see the point of those now. Let's definitely get a whole bunch of those. How do we do that?
CB: You jump on that turtle there about a hundred times or so.
M: Fuck that turtle. Let's fuck up his whole day.
M: Seriously, I'm going to kill the next guy that lives in a princess-less castle.
CB: Heh. Yeah, they're notorious. Hey, has your attitude towards warping changed? We're coming up on another one.
M: Fuck this noise. Let's hit it.
CB: I said I'm sorry all right? The eighth world is fucking hard!
M: You know what's hard? Plummeting into bottomless pits, getting beaned by a dozen hammer throwing cocksuckers and having bullets the size of a car smash into your face. How about you take all the dicks out of your mouth, and then stop killing me?
CB: Hey. It's not that simple, ass
. You have any idea how floaty the controls are on 25-year-old video games? You handle like a fucking post office.
M: Oh this is my fault is it? Well maybe if your parents weren't twins your thumbs wouldn't come out of your wrists.
CB: Hey? You know what? Fuck this. I've beaten this game a billion times before. I've got enough material for this column. See ya later chump.
M: Fine with me penis-sheathe. Better off without you.
CB: Oh yeah? Hey, how'd you like it if this masking tape played for awhile?
CB: Yeah? See that lava over there? How'd you'd like to run into that 82 times in a row? -tapes down button on controller-
M: YOU BASTARD!
CB: Hahahahahahahhahah -walks out of room-
CB: -eating nachos, laughing-
HA HA HAhahahahahhahahahahh.
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