This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Sleep: the elusive, beautiful dragon that we all desperately chase. But whether you've got snoring roommates or possess a body that is 50 percent anxiety and 30 percent pain (the last 20 percent is probably LaCroix), then you should check out these five awesome sleep aids that look like gadgets from a retirement-age James Bond film.
If you have roommates who Netflix (or Netflix and chill) on their laptops until 5 a.m every night, or if you happen to live next door to a giant flashing neon sign like a 1940s private investigator, then you need the Manta Sleep Mask and Blackout Stickers. The mask is completely customizable and conforms to your face, allowing you to enjoy 100 percent darkness no matter where you're sleeping. Plus, the included blackout stickers can cover any unnecessary electronic lights, such as a power strip or your roommate's iPad. Normally the Manta sells for $39.98, but if you click here right now, you can take 24 percent off and get one for just $29.99.
If your snoring sounds like an Autobot trapped in a wheat harvester, then you should probably look into the Anti-Snoring Device. It allows you to breathe completely clean air while simultaneously sparing your partner and/or roommates from your bestial snores that shatter the night. It works kind of like an air filter that plugs directly into your nostrils, but the comfort fit will make it so that you don't even notice. Right now you can get a two-pack of Anti-Snoring Devices for just $11.99, 65 percent off the normal price of $35.
If you constantly wake up from knee, leg, and hip pain every night and you aren't regularly duking it out in the Octagon, then odds are you aren't sleeping correctly. You might need the Bamboo Knee Pillow. It's acutely designed to fit in your leg curve and offer support and relief. You'll gain increased circulation while also removing pressure from your legs and hips. Normally they sell for $50, but right now you can get one at 54 percent off for just $23.
Despite sounding like a kooky workout aid from Dragon Ball, weighted blankets are just heavier blankets that are designed to give you a better night's sleep. The Serenity Weighted Blanket wraps you in a simulated hug, releasing sleep-inducing hormones and enzymes in your body that will drop you off in dreamland in no time. It's basically like cuddling a friendly ghost. And yes, if you wanted to start doing preacher curls with your weighted blanket, then we guess it wouldn't hurt. If you click here right now, you can get a 15 lb Serenity Weighted Blanket for just $209.
The Anti-Snoring Jaw Strap is perfect for those of us who snore loud enough to loose spirits from the grave, or who grind our teeth into a chalky powder every time we doze off. Tie this around your head like Jacob Marley, and it'll help prevent snoring, TMJ pain, and sleep apnea. It will also dramatically reduce the number of spiders you swallow in your sleep. (We're just kidding. You don't actually swallow spiders.) If you click here right now, you can get a two-pack of Anti-Snoring Jaw Straps for $12.99, 67 percent off the normal price of $39.98.
Movies are never more unrealistic than when they're showing us exactly what a dollar can buy.