"Yes, the French art film was very nice, Mr. Maguire. But please, can you say 'Go web, go!' for us just once?"
Spider-Man: Homecoming is out now, and one of the big selling points of the movie that actor Tom Holland, an artificial being grown in a secret government lab with the goal to create Spider-Man actors, is a goddamn solid Spider-Man. And while he's not my favorite (I bleed red, white, and Tobey), that doesn't mean that I don't like him a ton in the role. And while he checks off on all of the window dressing that I listed above, the main reason I dig him is that I do not want to be his Peter Parker. It sucks to be that kid.
He's got about one really good friend and a bunch of people who can stand to be in the same room as him. Tony Stark, this smart hot billionaire, is hitting on his aunt any chance he gets. And he's a nerd, in the same way that a lot of people are nerds. He doesn't have Mr. Fantastic or Iron Man intellect. Peter Parker is the kind of guy who would get very excited about a new Spider-Man movie.
He's us. We're a legion of Peter Parkers. We know a ton about comic book history, but it hasn't earned us any free belly button shots so far. Some of us are reasonably fit, but we live in a world in which The Rock exists, so fuck me, right? And we have a lot of talents that we wish we could tell the world about, but whenever we do, J. Jonah Jameson gets in the comments section and writes "Daniel's jokes? THREAT or MENACE?"