He's us. We're a legion of Peter Parkers. We know a ton about comic book history, but it hasn't earned us any free belly button shots so far. Some of us are reasonably fit, but we live in a world in which The Rock exists, so fuck me, right? And we have a lot of talents that we wish we could tell the world about, but whenever we do, J. Jonah Jameson gets in the comments section and writes "Daniel's jokes? THREAT or MENACE?"
"You're no Cracked Magazine, kid."
But when Tom Holland puts on the costume and gets to swing around and beat up crooks, it's thrilling, because he's turning into the person we'd like to be. Peter Parker makes jokes and the cheerleaders look at him like he has snakes for eyes. Spider-Man can make jokes and fight the Vulture at the same time, and he does both reasonably well. I have to pause my conversation when I open a peanut butter jar because my stupid can-tell-duck-billed-dinosaurs-apart-just-by-looking-at-their-crests brain can't handle that kind of multi-tasking stress. I wanna be Spider-Man. But being just Peter Parker? God, no. Thanks, but I know how that one ends.
And Peter/Spider-Man stands out among Marvel heroes in this way. We'd like to be Iron Man, but it we were just Tony Stark, that wouldn't be so bad. And have you seen Steve Roger's biceps? Not being able to put on the patriotic tactical gear wouldn't be a huge loss if I could deadlift a Mercedes.
This all seems really easy to accomplish. But look at the previous Spider-Man series, and you'll see how easily someone can mess it up. When Sony couldn't lift Sam Raimi's Spider-Man out of the rubble of itself fast enough, they decided to just reboot the whole thing with The Amazing Spider-Man. And instead of giving us a Peter Parker we'd never want to step in the shoes of, we got a Peter Parker who was definitely cooler than us.
Andrew Garfield's Peter Parker would be drawing dicks on the sleeping face of Tobey Maguire's Peter Parker. He wouldn't tell Tom Holland's Peter Parker where he got his hair cut. And if he met me, he'd probably say something painfully sarcastic while I fumbled hopelessly for a response. In an effort to give us a cool, millennial interpretation of the webslinger, what we got was a detached Peter Parker and a thrill-less Spider-Man. It was as if they thought that modern audiences were too "advanced" to buy into the idea of the corny loser underdog, so instead they gave us a walking Instagram caption.
Sony Pictures Releasing
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I give the Amazing Spider-Man series a lot of flak for its attempt to introduce about a half-dozen sequel ideas in one movie, but its biggest problem is that its Spider-Man does not feel like a triumph. He's an angsty, mysterious, funny loner, and he puts on a costume to become the Amazing Angsty Mysterious Funny Loner. There's no thrill in that. And there's no wish-fulfillment.
More than with Batman, or Iron Man, or Elektra, the mark of a good Spider-Man movie is you feeling the same kind of release and joy that Peter Parker feels when he puts on the costume. The world dunks your head in the toilet at every opportunity, and the best Spider-Man movies tell you "Yeah, we get it. Being Peter Parker sucks. But for the next two hours, you're gonna get to be Spider-Man, and that's awesome. And then a Chad Kroeger song will probably play, signifying that it's time to go home."
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