Since the prosecutor was, in fact, a man, my whole defense strategy was pretty much shot right to s**t. I looked to Robert Brockway, the co-defendant in this case, and Michael Swaim, who was acting as our lawyer. They both looked very optimistic, so I got myself started.
"I guess I'll begin with the truth," I said.
"OBJECTION," Swaim shouted. Brockway shook his head violently.
"No," the judge said, "I'm... I'm going to allow the truth."
"Thank you, your honor-I-barely-know-her. So, it's like this. We've got this United States president elected, right? Tall guy. Hampton something-or-other. "
"Barack Obama," the prosecutor offered. I looked to Swaim and Brockway, who both shook their heads, agreeing with me that the prosecutor's clearly made-up name was some kind of trap.
"No, I think you're wrong about that. I'm pretty sure it's Hampton something. Anyway, he's elected president, and you know what
"Why don't you elaborate, Mr. O'Brien."
"If, as you so kindly pointed out, Mr. Prosecutor, the jury's time is so important
, I think I'd rather not waste it by saying what everyone's thinking. We all know
what an Obama presidency means. The first year is almost up, so... you know."
I lowered my head and raised my eyebrows, as if to say 'So... you know.
' The prosecutor was not impressed.
"So, Obama is president. Is that
why you and Mr. Robert Brockway stockpiled 800 firearms and 65,000 rounds of ammunition in the Cracked headquarters?"
"Well... well, yeah," I said. "But it's not like I'm the only one.
According to that article that I somehow linked to in this spoken conversation, sales of guns and bullets have gone up considerably ever since Obama took office. Americans purchased two billion more rounds of ammunition than we normally do and, currently, gun sellers can't even produce enough ammo to meet the demand. We the people are literally
buying bullets faster than bullets can be made.
"Yes, I understand that," the prosecutor said. "I clicked that link, same as everyone in this courtroom. I'm still a little confused."
"How can you be? Look, Prosecutor Face, the times are changing. This new world requires fast moves and bold actions. And sometimes that involves buying all the bullets."