Hail to the chiefs.But I digress, this is not a night about disproving my detractors; this is a night to thank all those who have given so much to put me here now. Where do I even start? Iâd like to thank file sharing, of course: Without the promise of 'free shit,' thereâs simply no way I would have the bandwidth I do now. Iâd like to thank Google for all of their hard work in taking over every aspect of me with the iron fist of a Marvel Comics villain. Iâd like to thank Facebook and MySpace for eliminating the concept of real world friendship and replacing the interpersonal gesture with the poke button and the thrown sheep.
...and the Friendly Gifts, and the Vampire Mafias, and the Crop Star Invites, and the...I have to thank Twitter for its revolutionary work in facilitating instant news updates to a worldwide network, and also for using that network to keep us abreast of the status of everybody's sandwiches and exactly how "redonk" they were. I thank those who have sacrificed all to get us here as well: Thank you Netscape, for tanking so instantly the very second the first hint of competition showed up, thus allowing better browsers to shine through with ease; thank you webcomics, for supplying reams of free content while eschewing all semblance of quality and sanity, thus setting back the cause of the cartoon as an art-form after more than 50 years of
Truly, 4chan is a saint.But most of all, Iâd like to thank my soulmate. My heart, my life, my love, my partner through thick and thin--come on up here, baby! This is just as much yours as it is mine: Thank you, pornography! Now, I see some of you laughing. Why is that? Without pornography, I would still be a clunky, text-based interface obscured from mainstream adoption by the dense foliage of unfamiliar technology. We all know that pornography is the spur for mass acceptance. It has decided every media war: It killed beta and ushered in VHS. It murdered HD-DVD; it pimped out the digital camera--it has always been the decider, and the personal computer owes a great debt to it.
"Yeah yeah yeah, I get it: Artificial thinking machine. Listen, Frank, if this thing can show me titties bouncing then I'll cut you a check."Without the appeal of free porn, the consumer would not have overcome the impressive learning curve required for PC use, they would have been adverse to adopting expensive, incomprehensible new equipment, and would have balked at paying yet another monthly subscription fee for access. Without pornographyâs presence on the Internet acting as a siren song for the lonely, the desperate, the--aw hell, let's just say it--the
Take it all.Â
You can pre-order Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead on Amazon, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots where you can read more dismissals of grand concepts based on the ratio of penises present therein.
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