Eat my ass, Santa. That's how I felt about it. And the cookie thing. Seriously, what the hell? Who said those were for you? I could maybe see it if I'd left them on the mantle, but I don't have a mantle. They were on the coffee table. And the dinner table. And the night stand. And a dozen other places. Besides, those weren't for you, I just didn't put them away before I went to bed. Why did you think they were for you? And don't just say "because you were drunk." That's not going to fly with me any more, Santa, and is a topic for a whole 'nother letter besides.
In terms of the logistics of this whole break-up, by the time you read this, all my stuff will be gone. I know that doesn't make any sense at all, because we don't actually live together. But I'd just feel more comfortable living someplace without all those memories attached. I'm going to move back in with my parents for awhile. They really don't understand this at all, but are supportive. You know how they felt about our relationship: "You're too old for him." "It's just not a healthy way to live." "Son, I'm retired now. I don't have time for this any more." I debated long and hard about whether to return all the gifts you gave me, before ultimately deciding against it. This was mostly for practical reasons - I honestly have no idea where most of them are anymore. And besides, what are you going to do with a bunch of used books and socks? Keep em in a box and bring them out every now and then to cry over them? Or give them to the next guy? Will you tell him what I did in those socks? Or will that stay locked up in your naughty list? Finally, I hope that we can still stay friends. I know a lot of our mutual friends have stopped writing to you entirely, and I don't want you to start feeling isolated, especially from people in your own age group. Because you spend way too much time around kids Santa. Don't think I didn't notice your behavior after I told you about how I didn't feel ready for children yet (re: "Chris Bucholz Letter to Santa, Dec-2007." How since then you're always down at the mall with someone's kid on your knee? I'm not going to come right out and say it's weird to spend so much time around kids that aren't your own. Just don't let me see you on Dateline some day, 'k? (I'm sorry about that. That was uncalled for. Not "going-to-delete-it" uncalled for, but close. I'm sorry. We can stay mature about this Santa.) Goodbye, Santa. I will never stop believing in you. - Chris Bucholz ____
Forget 'morale-boosters,' we'd rather have the money.
Trends among women trigger a level of contempt that's way beyond what is deserved.
Buckle up. This article is gonna be wild.