Let me tell you, children, of a time before CG and greenscreens. Days of yore when Speed Racer was a halting, two-dimensional imbecile and Transformers moved their mouths to speak only when absolutely necessary.
In those days, if you wanted some dimensionality in your fantasy, there was only one crazy mother who could hook you up, and if you were lucky, he would stick his hand up something's ass for your amusement. I'm talking Jim fucking Henson.
Henson knew where it was at. He knew we didnât want fantastical creatures who couldnât exist off of a sheet of paper. We wanted REAL fantastical creatures, ones fashioned out of old socks and ping pong balls sawed in half.
And while the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal may pale in comparison to todayâs Captain Barbosas and Michael Claytons, they were once the undisputed kings of terrorizing small children.
Which is why I am super-jazzed to let you all know that a live action Fraggle Rock movie is fast approaching theatres. So do like I did and
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Wikipedia it to remind yourself of the character names, then prepare for a blast of nostalgic epiphany so powerful you may well uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse. Then do the same thing with The Snorks. I know, right?!
The only possible snag I can see is that Ahmet Zappa is signed on as Executive Producer, so thereâs a slim chance that Gobo will die of a cocaine overdose and Boober will be into watersports. But on the plus side, he probably canât give any new characters names more ridiculous than are already in the film. Moonunit Fraggle kind of has a ring to it.
But frankly, I donât care if the movie is just two Doozers discoursing on the tragedy of Darfur; Iâm going to be buying a ticket. Thatâs how badly I miss Jim Henson movies.
And to those cynics still wowed by slick computer graphics, let me put the question: Can you touch a computer-generated image? Can you hug a bunch of polygons? Can you run away from home, take the wrong bus out of the city, get your money stolen by a homeless man and have to make your way back by taking a ride from a wild-eyed trucker because you thought you were going to get to live with bump-mapped 3D models?
I think not.
And while Iâm still holding out for a full-blown return to puppetry (up to and including the production of Labyrinth 2: Hoggle and The Enchanted Codpiece), this movie should help sate my felt fetish for the time being. And whenever I need a quick fix, I can always load up the old Youtube and see what bizarre remixes of the intro are floating around this week.
God bless the Internet.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael consults with Marjory the trash heap as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!