Let me tell you, children, of a time before CG and greenscreens. Days of yore when Speed Racer was a halting, two-dimensional imbecile and Transformers moved their mouths to speak only when absolutely necessary
In those days, if you wanted some dimensionality in your fantasy, there was only one crazy mother who could hook you up, and if you were lucky, he would stick his hand up something's ass for your amusement. I'm talking Jim f*****g Henson
Henson knew where it was at. He knew we didnât want fantastical creatures who couldnât exist off of a sheet of paper. We wanted REAL fantastical creatures, ones fashioned out of old socks and ping pong balls sawed in half.
And while the Skeksis from
The Dark Crystal
may pale in comparison to todayâs Captain Barbosas and Michael Claytons, they were once the undisputed kings of terrorizing small children.
Which is why I am super-jazzed to let you all know that a live action Fraggle Rock
movie is fast approaching theatres
. So do like I did and Wikipedia it
to remind yourself of the character names, then prepare for a blast of nostalgic epiphany so powerful you may well uncover repressed memories of sexual abuse. Then do the same thing with The Snorks
. I know
The only possible snag I can see is that Ahmet Zappa is signed on as Executive Producer, so thereâs a slim chance that Gobo will die of a cocaine overdose and Boober will be into watersports. But on the plus side, he probably canât give any new characters names more ridiculous than are already in the film. Moonunit Fraggle kind of has a ring to it.
But frankly, I donât care if the movie is just two Doozers discoursing on the tragedy of Darfur; Iâm going to be buying a ticket. Thatâs how badly I miss Jim Henson movies.
And to those cynics still wowed by slick computer graphics, let me put the question: Can you