DOB: This had better be either an emergency or an extremely fat hooker.
I don't think I actually know anything about Darfur.
I was the proud recipient of the 2008 weblogawards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks. 1 I was finally being recognized for all the hard work that I assume I must've done over the past year and a half. Granted, the Weblog site has a page with all of actual winners, and, granted, I'm not technically on that page, but, hey, I've seen the logos that those winners get. The word "award" appears on their certificate just once, while mine features it a total of three times. Mathematicians will tell you; this makes me three times the winner of all those other websites. Did you hear that, Stirrup Queens,
[Note: Originally, Dan had photoshopped a two-dicked trophy that was pretty aggressively graphic, even for him. For the sake of good taste, we have removed it. -Ed.]I'm that guy. I'm for the internet what Guy-With-Two-Wieners is to the world of boning. So suck it, Internet, you bumbling, mono-dicked failure. From here on out, I am officially "the award winning Dan O'Brien," and you can officially suck it till your face falls off. And even though I'd already been describing myself as an award-winner to everyone I meet, now it's finally true. If I ever get pulled over, I can flash my award and the cop has to give me his gun. If I'm ever interviewed, (like, for example, next week on
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.