This press-tent-crashing was immediately followed up by a second one headed by Victor Tiffany, the self-proclaimed founder of the "Bernie or Bust" movement, who re-announced plans to turn his pro-Bernie PAC against Hillary Clinton in several swing states "to produce a high-quality attack ad" come autumn. (Tiffany told Cracked that his super PAC had a "very low amount" of cash-on-hand "so far.")
This wasn't our first run-in with Tiffany. Earlier that day, he'd taken the stage at a large pro-Sanders rally in downtown Philly, after which he managed to sneak into the press tent for his second, copycat conference. Both times, he alerted us to have a cameraman ready to capture the "story."
Dude, it's no longer a story once you've announced it in front of a thousand people with cameras.
Taken individually, there was nothing wildly offensive about either Turner or Tiffany's rally. But they both came at the end of a day which I can only describe as a feeding frenzy on Bernie Sanders' legacy. Ever since Sanders double-officially endorsed Clinton on the convention floor, there's been a wild scramble to gobble up his supporters (and all their $27 donations). And perhaps no one's been more successful at this than Green Party nominee Dr. Jill Stein.
Stein was on hand at the same pro-Sanders rally Tiffany attended. There -- to chants of "Jill not Hill! Jill not Hill!" -- she delivered a 12-minute stump speech that was the antithesis of a Sanders speech. Sanders' primary speeches were fact-n'-stat-jammed affairs -- he drops numbers like good MCs drop mics, which explains how he locked down the rapper vote.
On the other hand, Stein's speech was all emotion, highlighting the broad strokes on which she and Sanders agreed (see: opposition to the Trans-Pacific Partnership) and ignoring their significant points of disagreement (uh, Stein is sort of an anti-vaxxer, you guys). She's been drawing in disaffected Sanders supporters since the end of his campaign, which caused her donations to skyrocket by 1,000 percent.
In the late 1700s, French journalist Jacques Mallet du Pan famously evoked Roman myth when he opined, "Like Saturn, the Revolution devours its children." The reverse is happening here: Bernie Sanders' revolution is being devoured by a swarm of opportunists who smell money. In Philadelphia, the momentum of his campaign has propelled it off a cliff and into a stagnant quarry, where hungry candiru keep trying to shimmy up its urethra.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
The main benefit of watching TV is seeing the plight of sad bastards who aren't you.
- By Ian Fortey
- March 10, 2019
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
- By Seanbaby
- March 15, 2019
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.
- By Boone Ashworth
- March 14, 2019
Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.
- By Daniel Dockery
- March 20, 2019