Technology has known many a great name over the years: Tesla, Gates, whoever invented the bagel setting on toasters. But a new name is about to join the pantheon of famed technological innovators. That name is Cracked.
Did you use "Cracked" and "technological innovator" in the same sentence?
True genius always looks like lunacy to the uninitiated. But your skepticism won't deter us. Our top engineers at the Cracked Dispensary have designed T-shirts depicting technological marvels unlike anything you've ever seen. Still not a believer? Then allow us to demonstrate.
We were lauded as visionaries when we put fighter jet wings on nature's most ferocious and patriotic bird of prey. Our names were etched into mountains and our faces tattooed onto chests. But we're not content with simply being "visionaries" at Cracked.com. Oh no. We took our bald-headed terror drone one step further and put it on a T-shirt. And by bearing the WarEagle 9000 on your body -- nay, your soul -- you take your own flight. Where will you go? Only you and the WarEagle 9000 know that. God freaking speed, you jet-fueled dreamer.
If you know anything about Cracked, you know that we have an indelible fascination with the 26th president of the United States. It was only a matter of time before we turned our T-shirt technology towar reviving him in mechanized form. This souped-up version of Teddy Prime (as we've come to call him) contains a feature that grants him the ability to transform into a cybernetic bull moose. And we're glad we gave it to him. Teddy Prime will need every advantage he can get if ever hopes to take down MegaTrump and the rest of the Deswampticons.
Our greatest T-shirt innovation (and easily the best product to come out of Long Island) is Piano Man, the Billy-Joel-themed fighting robot. Armed with a keytar, harmonica, and the catchiest beats since 1969, Piano Man fights in a never-ending quest to ensure that every uptown girl can find a backstreet guy. Warning: The Piano Man T-shirt is known to start fires and then blame others for them.
Shiny indeed. But we're just getting started with our technological wonders. Here are some gadgets straight from the Cracked Store that are guaranteed to get your Ultron ultra-on.
Your smartphone possesses a great many capabilities. It can browse the internet at lightning speed, track your location from anywhere on the planet, and, if you have anything not made by Apple, it can even hold calls. But everyone can agree the one area in which all smartphones are lacking is the zoom. Apparently, making small images bigger in any clear way is an insurmountable task for a handheld super computer. The Smartphone Telephoto Pro Camera Lens multiplies your zooming potential by eight without a hint of distortion. Pack this on your next hike, and your pictures will go from "passable for Snapchat" to "putting photojournalists out of work."
The Sirius B is a mini computer running Windows 10 with 2 GB of RAM, boasting high-speed built-in Wifi and Bluetooth, and it fits in your goddamn pocket! We'd call that a Steve-Jobs-level reveal right there -- the only difference being that since the Sirius B costs less than $200, this is a product that people can actually afford.
The crown jewel of our tech expo is none other than the RIF6 Cube Projector. The Cube allows you to project anything from your smartphone or laptop onto a 120-inch display. The applications are limitless. For example, hook up your laptop and use the Cube for an impromptu business presentation. Or you can connect your cellphone and force a room full of people to look at your selfies as they sit strapped to their chairs, Clockwork Orange-style. Best of all, the LED light source lasts up to 20,000 hours, which should be more than enough time to rewire your guests toward total insanity.
Thanks, Cracked! I am now Dr. Doom!
We'll make a techno wizard out of you yet. But first, you have to click the links for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store here. Or if you prefer, scroll up top and click the links for each corresponding product. It was only a matter of time before Cracked broke in to the Silicon Valley. Our next step? Ensuring that the only new Robocop movie we ever get from now on is a documentary. Wish us luck.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.