It's Sunday morning, and you know what that means: it's time for our weekly update on Joaquin Phoenix's quest to become the craziest celebrity of all time! Yes, it's issue XVIII of your favorite e-newsletter, Bearded Insanity: The Phoenix Chronicles!
Please note: If you signed up for this newsletter hoping to receive information about the ongoing effort to ban disposable razors in Arizona mental hospitals, youÂve made a mistake. YouÂre looking for Fuzzy Logic: The Tuscon Tattler. I hope this answers some of the emails that have been flooding my inbox.
The Latest and Craziest!
JP has unveiled his official rapper name, and itÂs a doozy! When youÂre telling your grandkids about the actor turned hobo who eventually tried to charge the President and was gunned down by Secret Service agents, you can end with Âand his name was Young Pheezy.Â
By our calculations, this rap name adds thirty points to JPÂs overall crazy index. By scrupulously avoiding any use of the powerful imagery associated with the phoenix and relying instead on a garbled parody of every novelty rapper name from the late 80Âs, heÂs put himself firmly on the road to becoming an obscure
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But Young PheezyÂs been doing more than flipping through his CDs and combining other rappersÂ names. HeÂs also been out touring, taking his twin products of bored-sounding rap and bewilderment to his fans!
As IÂm sure youÂll remember, I was excited to report that at a show in Vegas a while back, JP was both visibly drunk and fell of the stage after his set. It was all we could have asked from our favorite train wreck, but the generous benefactor has done us one better. Here he is leaping off stage to have a fistfight with a heckler! Although in fairness to the heckler, I think he was just shocked to see Matisyahu without his hat on.
The audio is pretty garbled, but I think at 1:46 he says ÂIÂm a fucking baby cop.Â If thatÂs true, we might just have a new entry for our monthly Ânuttiest thing JP saidÂ column, not to mention a new idea for our "12 Shades of Crazy" JP fan art calendar!
Film Role He Most Resembles!
For the ninth week in a row, Commodus from
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Gladiator. For those of you who havenÂt seen it, he was crazy.
LetÂs see how JPÂs antics compare to other entrants in the celebrity hall of batshit lunacy! This weekÂs contenderÂ Phil Spector!
Joaquin looks like a coroner who fell asleep in a pile of steel wool. Spector looks like a cartoon character who got electrocuted.
WinnerÂPhil SpectorAs an Artist:
Joaquin refers to himself as Âa deep methodÂ actor, meaning that for a period of his life, he actually thought he was an incestuous roman emperor who fought off invading spacemen in the 1300Âs (but it was actually present day anyway). His Two Lovers co-star Isabella Rosselini calls him Âtortured.Â
Phil Spector once pointed a gun at Leonard CohenÂs head and forced The Ramones to re-record the opening chord for ÂRock and Roll High SchoolÂ for eight hours. His son calls him Âa monster.Â
WinnerÂPhil SpectorPersonal Life:
As a teenager, Joaquin had to call emergency services when his brother fatally overdosed at Johnny DeppÂs party. He then followed the same career path as his dead elder brother for about twenty years before becoming the lovable ball of silence and psychoses that we know today.
Phil Spector built a gold coffin for his wife (while she was alive), killed his girlfriend and locked his son in a room with a bed and a chamber pot for months at a time.
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Sorry Joaquin, heÂs still got you beat. But heÂs like 60 now, and youÂve got many years of full-time nutbaggery ahead of you. WeÂre rooting for you big guy! How much do gold coffins run these days?
Announcing the winners of last weekÂs Âsound alikesÂ contest!
First Place: "Walking Penis" (sent in by M. Sommerville of Ann Arbor, Michigan)
Second Place: "One King, Penis" (sent in by T. Corey of Fayetville, North Carolina)
Runner Up: "Wincing Ponies" (sent in by C. Valasquez of Caracas, Venezuela)
Congratulations! You will all receive a Bearded Insanity lifetime subscription as well as a lapel pin featuring Joaquin screaming incoherently.
Tracking the Insanity!
On this weekÂs scales, JP is officially as crazy asÂ
Half a Charles Manson!
Four point Eight barrels of flaming monkey crap!Advice From The Editor!
JP, if you want to keep climbing the charts, take some of these tips to heart:
Start using phrases that incorporate parts of your name in interviews. Your newest catch-phrase? ÂJoa-kinky!Â
Kill someone, Just to see if you can get away with it. This is the big leagues, Phoenix. YouÂve got to spill some blood to make an omelette (see, sounding crazier already!).
Rapping is a great start, but youÂll probably want to move into an area even less associated with your image to make the clash truly apparent. IÂd recommend baseball, but I know you have shoulder problems. ItÂs got to be something fairly high-profile thoughÂ President? Airship captain?
Less clothing, more hair.
See you next week, Joaquin Pheonix-tronauts, and make sure to keep those candid JP photos coming!
Seriously, do whatever it takes.
When not bringing you the information you need to make your world a brighter place, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!