This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
In movies, when disaster strikes, all you really have to do is wait around for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to show up and bicep whatever threat you're facing into submission. But in real life, it is YOU who has to be prepared to survive. We know that's a tall order, but luckily, the Cracked Store has got your back with a few items that, at the very least, make emergency preparedness a little more rad.
A bottle opener is probably the most sensible thing you could put on a key chain, aside from your keys (and even then, a bottle opener is a suuuuper close second.) Dubbed the "World's Smallest Bottle Opener," Pry.me is no bigger than a penny, meaning it won't take up all of the real estate in your pocket. It's also made from Grade 5 Titanium, and despite its small size, it's strong enough to pull a car across a parking lot. Oddly enough, that's the plot of the next The Rock movie. Get it here for only $10.99.
A good pocket knife needs to be tough, versatile, and capable of weathering most anything. Basically, a good knife should always be the exact opposite of the Buffalo Bills offense. The Outdoor Nation Rescue Folding Pocket Knife features a razor-sharp 440 stainless steel blade, a seat belt cutter, and a glass breaker, because there should be at least one thing in your life that's able to handle clutch situations. Typically $39.99, you can get it here for only $12.99.
The Wallet-Sized Pocket Multi-Tool is like carrying Inspector Gadget next to your credit card. Performing 11 different functions -- can opener, knife, screwdriver, ruler, bottle opener, two-position wrench, saw blade, four-size wrench, directional auxiliary wrench, key-chain hole, and butterfly screw wrench -- this apparatus has an answer for almost any situation. Typically $19.99, you can get it here for half that, only $9.99.
Your parents, your scoutmaster, and Smokey Bear were wrong -- you will be surprised by how much stuff you need to set on fire as an adult. And the Saberlight Rechargeable Plasma Lighter ignites an electricity-generated plasma beam that is hotter and less toxic than butane flame. It's also windproof, splash-proof, and TSA-proof. That's right, you can take this puppy on a plane with you, making it, by their logic, safer than a bottle of water. This lighter usually retails for $99.99, but you can get it here for only $15.95.
Lithium-ion batteries can only do so much, which is why the charge on most smart phones lasts roughly 20 minutes. However, thanks to its impressive 8,000 mAh battery capacity, the Graphene 8K HyperCharger PRO will ensure that your devices are properly juiced for as long as you need. It has built-in Lightning and micro USB connectors, and an additional USB port to charge up to three of your gadgets multiple times over.
This hyperfast portable battery usually retails for $79.99, but you can get it here for only $39.99.
Good ideas can strike at any time, and when they do, you don't want to be caught unprepared. This Tactical Pen can write beautifully against a wall, on a wet piece of paper, upside-down, and in temperatures between -30 degrees to 250 degrees Fahrenheit, which we're pretty sure means that you can even write poetry in a volcano. It also doubles as an ultra-hard carbide tip window breaker, just in case you ever need to escape a building while you're in the middle of some fantasy world-building. Typically $39.99, you can get it here for only $33.
Finding a pair of wireless Bluetooth earphones that don't compromise on sound quality, durability, and battery longevity is like finding a needle in a haystack factory. Consider the TREBLAB X11 Earphones to be that needle. They're completely secure and sweat-proof, offering flexibility for any type of activity while also supporting multi-device connection. So yeah, you can take calls using the built-in microphone in these bad boys as well.
TREBLAB X11 Earphones usually run for $199.99, but you can get them here for only $36.99.
Statistically, the wallet you have is a tattered faux leather thing that you got when you were a junior in high school. It's time for a change. The A4 Three-Plate Aluminum Wallet has a triangle layout that allows for multiple assembly configurations, depending on your needs. It's equipped with three custom-made urethane o-rings and cased in a hard coat anodized aluminum surface for added RFID blocking, which is all nerd speak for "It's gonna keep your money safe." It even has an integrated bottle opener, should you need to pop a bottle at a moment's notice. Normally $52, you can get it here for only $39.99.
Look, up in the sky! It's a keychain! It's a paracord! No, it's a paracord/keychain hybrid! The Bomber Carabiner Paracord Keychain is a Type III military-grade braided paracord with the ability to stretch to up to 4.9 feet and carry 550 pounds. It can also carry your keys, because, ya know, you might need those for whatever reason. This emergency paracord usually retails for $23, but you can get it here for only $10.99.
The Orbiter Magnetic Fidget Toy is like a fidget spinner in stealth mode. It's designed to roll smoothly and with minimal friction, resulting in a gratifying and silent spin. It also has an ergonomic curved shape that supports hand comfort, so you won't get hand cramps from all of that fidget-spinning action. Typically $39.99, you can get it here for only $16.99.
Mother Nature quakes with fear at the mere mention of your name. You eat five dozen raw eggs as a midnight snack, and went as Teddy Roosevelt for nine straight Halloweens. Punch a shark or two and wear your Male Pattern Badness with pride.
Pick up some more must-have survival tools with 10 Items You Need (More Than A Chainsaw) In The Apocalyspe.
No, YOU'RE crying.