Back In My Day Vehicular Rampages Were For Grownups: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Note: Today's Nooner is being written immediately after purchasing Grand Theft Auto IV for Xbox 360. It is sitting unopened on my coffee table right now, and yet here I am, 100% focused on writing, not thinking about Grand Theft Auto IV at all. My greatest regret isn't a girl that got away, skipping my high school prom, or not getting to say goodbye to a loved one before they passed away. It isn't running away from a problem, missing a career opportunity, or getting that tattoo of the kanji symbol for "two-car garage" that the tattoo guy told me meant "strength." Yes, I've done all of those things, and sure, not a moment goes by that I'm not ashamed of every single one of them, but that's all eclipsed by my greatest regret: Why the fuck didn't I commit more crimes when I was young enough to get away with it? Sure, I broke some bottles and lit some fires when I was younger, and yeah, one time in junior high we stole my friend's mom's car (it wasn't our fault - "Welcome To The Jungle" came on the radio and we got all pumped up), but we only made like two houses down an alley before we crashed into some rubber garbage cans at about 5 mph, and then we ran away and hid until the cops came. On a scale of one to "cool" that ranks somewhere between a two and a "suck." Why didn't we go on a crazy crosstown rampage like this kid did? Maybe we were better behaved, more respectful and fearful of authority. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because this was the pre-Grand Theft Auto era and we just didn't know how. Not that a rampage in GTA involving two mailboxes and two parked cars would be very impressive, but for a real life 7-year-old? That's nothing to shake a stick at - particularly considering he couldn't even see over the steering wheel. Come to think of it, this might just be some crazy viral advertisement for GTA IV or something. One that, based on my ability to focus intently on writing this Nooner without thinking about GTA IV, is clearly having no effect on me. Which reminds me - I have to go now for a completely unrelated reason.
To turn on reply notifications, click here

28 Comments

Load Comments

More Blogs

4 Surprisingly Insightful Plots From TV Sitcoms

These shows chose to go above and beyond.

76

5 Everyday Things With (Mostly Forgotten) Nazi Origins

Plenty of everyday things have weird connections to the Nazis.

108

6 Weirdly Terrible Books By Famous Authors

No author's bibliography is spotless.

136

5 Horrific Acts Committed By Lovable Sitcom Characters

Sometimes the silliest goofballs get away with the vilest things.

110

5 Shocking Movie/TV Character Betrayals (That Make No Sense)

The thing about plot twists is that they almost never make sense on repeat viewing.

110

5 Surprising Relationships Between Historical Figures

The coolest thing about being famous is that you get access to other famous people just as interesting as you.

36