Columnists Archive

  • 38

A First Look At Unsanctioned, Magic: The Gathering's New Set

By Cyriaque Lamar

Squirrels, goblins, and chickens, oh my!

  • 42

10 Photos Of Spider-Man With Steve Buscemi's Eyes

By Cyriaque Lamar, Logan Trent

This makes more sense than you know.

  • 195

Dear Obama And Trump, Please Heal America (And Make Out)

By Cyriaque Lamar

For the sake of this country, Trump and Obama must have a forbidden tryst over the next two months.

  • 248

4 Steps to Being the Very Worst in a World of Shitty DJs

By Cyriaque Lamar

Step #1: Suck. Step #2: Forget you suck. Step #3: Remember you suck in front of 100 people.

  • 229

If Every Single 'Star Wars: Episode 7' Rumor Was True

By Cyriaque Lamar

If you Frankenstein-knit together all of the Episode VII rumors -- regardless of veracity -- you end up with THE MOST EXCITING STAR WARS TO STAR WAR IN THE STARS.

  • 195

4 Anti-Drug Songs That Are Baffling (Even For the '80s)

By Cyriaque Lamar

There's a lot of propaganda out there about not putting angel dust or airplane glue or thumbtacks in your face holes, and most of it is terrible.

  • 196

15 Reasons You Should Have Hit Me With Your Car

By Cyriaque Lamar

I realized that I was a selfish jerk for not allowing this particular car to mow me down, and I owe the human race an apology.

  • 276

5 Dangers You Find in the Homes of the Elderly

By Cyriaque Lamar

That house made me understand why H.P. Lovecraft wrote up New England as the edge of sanity but with shittier winters.

  • 388

5 Reasons 2013 Was Actually 1996 All Over Again

By Cyriaque Lamar

This year was not the year you thought it was. So if you wrongly believe what year it currently is, this will be the most important thing you will read all year. Year year year.

  • 149

Direct 'The Avengers 2' in 10 Minutes or Your Family Is Dead

By Cyriaque Lamar

WARNING: The scene you are about to witness is a chilling preview of humanity’s future, but not humanity’s far future. Maybe two haircuts from now. And if you’re bald, you will grow a lustrous mane minutes after reading this article. Your scalp will soon sport some real 'Yanni Live at the Acropolis' shit.