Cracked: Hi guys. It's a pleasure to meet the both of you. I'm just a real huge fan of your stuff.
Ernie: Oh thanks!
Bert: Yeah. Good.
Cracked: As I was preparing my notes for this interview, I realized that you two are actually possibly the first reality TV stars, in a sense. You've got cameras installed in every room of your house that watch you as you go about your day. Watching pigeons, admiring numbers, preparing for bed, everything.
Bert: We never really get the credit for that. The media is a little biased against the innovations and craftsmanship that occur in daytime TV.
Cracked: Of course. Like how special effects wizards and daily cat blood infusions kept Bob Barker alive until the age of 118, but it's never been mentioned in any medical journals.
Ernie: Or how it's sunny out during the day time.
Bert: Don't mind him. He's trying. That's not quite what we're talking about, Ernie.
Ernie: Oh. Sorry Bert. I get confused. Maybe they should call it suntime instead of daytime? Maybe that would be less confusing.
Bert: Maybe. You want to keep going?
Cracked: I guess ... sure. Wow. OK, one question I guess I have to ask is: How much of the drama that we see on Sesame Street is scripted?
Bert: It's all basically real. These are the actual events that happen in our lives. But when you've got a camera crew there all the time, what's really real?
Cracked: So you guys maybe play things up a bit for the cameras?
Bert: Sure. I mean I'm the boring kind of assholey guy. That's my appeal, my role to play. I know it.
Cracked: And Ernie you're not as dumb you sometimes act?
Ernie: Oh, I wouldn't say I'm that fat, no. Just shorter than Bert, that's all.
-Bert's eyebrow crinkles. We share a look-
Cracked: Right. OK. Also on the subject of reality shows, Bert, as someone of Italian descent who's from the New York area, how do you feel about the antics these Jersey Shore kids get up to? Do you feel they're demeaning your community?
Bert: What? I'm not Italian. Why would you think I'm Italian?
Cracked: I ... But you're from somewhere around the Mediterranean?
Bert: Nope. Why would you think that?
Cracked: I ... don't know. -checks notes- Bad research. Although, I guess that brings me as neatly as possible to my next point, which is also on the subject of things you're not. Bert, Ernie: Are you gay much?
Ernie: What's gay?
Bert: No. Is that what this was all about? -Bert's eyebrow looks annoyed
Cracked: It's pretty classless of me to ask, I agree, but, I think, more honest than simply implying you're gay behind your back, like so many lesser organizations have done.
Bert: -Eyebrow still obviously angry- Let me show you something.
-Bert shifts over from behind the table upon which we've been having our interview. He lifts up his shirt, revealing a bespectacled puppeteer beneath him.-
Cracked: No genitals.
Bert: Precisely. -retreats behind table- It doesn't make sense to assign a sexuality to us, because we're clearly not sexual beings. We're Muppets.